Argh.

It’s the last Monday of April and I haven’t done much at all to secure a place to live. I can’t decide whether my efforts to even look for a place have been delayed because it’s mentally hard and taxing,…

It’s the last Monday of April and I haven’t done much at all to secure a place to live. I can’t decide whether my efforts to even look for a place have been delayed because it’s mentally hard and taxing, or because I’m afraid.

It’s a huge deal to pack up and move again, especially because I have let myself adapt to my current life, and I confess life here is shit… But I am here living it, and change always comes with an unknown risk of shit being even worse.

I’m also aware that the move may be temporary, after which I’ll either back here poor again, or worse.

So I stall. I do nothing. I didn’t leave my bed today. I didn’t fall asleep last night till 3am, and didn’t wake up today until 330pm. I watched TV and partially finished two tasks.

I had to get an extension on one bill payment but I’m still troubled by the $1000 I still owe that will result in disconnection of internet and electricity in a few days.

That is a stress that should not be ignored, but like so many things in my universe, I tend to ignore them and in the final moments, they either go away, or something resolves it.

Add to this. Some of old debts that I had believed had gone away have returned. I still ignore them, but they do add to the things I think about while singing theme songs in my head during the unrest that keeps me awake till 3am.

I rock back and forth singing Green Acres and many other tunes.

I compose my own songs too, in an attempt to not continue imagining all the ways life could be worse. At some point, I wake up the next day.

I have no solutions. I have no therapist. I have no hope.

I blog.