Are you doing this for me, or yourself?

I’m torn between two topics to write about tonight. The four women in my life. One, currently living with me while she comes to grips with her new reality and admits she needs help. Like decison making for you kind…

I’m torn between two topics to write about tonight. The four women in my life. One, currently living with me while she comes to grips with her new reality and admits she needs help.

Like decison making for you kind of sick help.

However, as of today, I am her caregiver, like …

wow.  I will admit what I was about to type before I stopped.  …like a philipino.  In my head, I hve learned that many philipino immigrants work in the homecare industry so much that many come here fully trained and ready.

Hoever, that is not truncated to one word without the possability of offending the people who get offended.

In some things, the nmber is majority, and others less.

–There it is.  The moment when my thoughts flood to my brain a bit to fast, and I stop.  They crash comically into my main memory like a fire hose.

The high hits. I stop mid sentence, to make it seem more like real time, and switch the style of the blog to… what name did I come up with again….

pause.

Orange Jeff
Written transcipt of my now.

A single stream of thought as I slow down to think at the speed of my typing.  I’ve had great fun with it, and since I have not yet shared any, they are perfect.

“Your thoughts can be perfect if you don’t share.
Don’t let that be a reason not to. Experience the joy of sharing.

One fan.  That’s all it takes.  One thumbs up, or heart or star. One person who knows one of your stories, and gets it.

THere may be no greater pleasure (to me) than to witness the moment of pleasure in another.  Doubled if it was my story that caused it.


external chat with girl referred to in title.

going poorly. I am quite high, about to be hypnotized and phone sexed orgasm by a beautiful woman with gor… you don’t need my visual. It’s avatars and some people call them cartoons, but to me, and I suspect

Of that chat, I hve to say, smiles … Argh. Brain flood. The fire hose whooses in like the flash flood at Universal studios.. Obscure references are like mini memory triggers for any like fans of whatever I mentioned, and then onlky a select few may remember eact quotes.

I know a lot of movie quotes I re-use frequently enough to be on my memory soundboard, but there are some only I remember. It excites me when I see recognition.

The moment I decided I wanted to know more about my first love, was when she got me high and over future bakery chocolate fudge cake, somehow one of us said something that triggered her to point up and say THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS. This is a single line reference to a controversial Captain Pcard episode of Star Trek, the Next generation.

It was a literal spark like a mini firework.

The click of click or clash.

A universe between two words.

WHile in the middle of one thought, a dash appears. I go off into another wold of thopught, but in a bubble of time. I call them zeppelins. Side thoughts quite often non-sequi—

I am reminded of my dear friend Saul Julio. If this is not his real name, I may never know what happened to him. I think I might have helped in bullying him out, but I don’t remember those stories and he’s not here to trigger them.

But we got along. I loved his basement. I didn’t know what BBSs were for a long time, but he ran the coolest one I only found out about late.

His story in my memory has to be the wedding trip to vancouver.

beep

Admision news break.  If I let myself think these scenarios, I have been 1st connection to more than one suicide or attempted suicide. My therapy might kill people.  What a horrid thought.

Saul’s best story.

He once said; I’ve only ever wanted to punch two people in my life

You are both of them.

We laughed. It was a great line. I ignored the sorrow. I was the newcomer to their three, and I was weird too.

Hmmm… All of the relationships I have ever had, was when people lost sync of their level.

WHen priority one is demoted to #2

Perhas that was Saul’s story. Could I be the reason he had to leave town.

I invented the three sydrome with another best friend. Three guys are never equal. One is the lowest, and friends think they can be brutal and laugh, but dis-respect hurt leaves a scar forever, but just enough so you can conciel it and move on.


That was a lot of distraction. I still have guilt and can feel my brain battling to stall and procrastinate. Don’t come too soon with your interst.  What’s that?  You forget what you were saying?

aww.. and now youre soft.


OH!  Scenario shift.

My negative voice and my positive voice are actually brain advocates for their side. They really like to win the way I save the story. What if, I turned the micriophones on for other voices, just like that Disney movie with… drew a blank.

Got sad. Old.  Drawing a blank is becoming the norm and I honestly don’t believe I will have the ability to kill myself. I use that as a comfort. As a believe, almost like in an overseeing god, that I just won’t want to miss Mondays.

I love the fact that, after 53, I have discovered that I can create my own pleasure, with pride. I’ve previously…

DO I keep writing the way my mind thinks, and include these burts that tear the reader into another story like jumping from one horse drawn carriage to another… going the other way.

I’m not sure I could … mind whiz.  Things to fast to type, but I start tyopingband forget them because I concentrate on this. {erhaps one day I’ll include a slight video of my typing so you’ll get the idea of my speed. I am hoever, two fingers and I have to see the keys… so I don’t look at what I write, and hope I can figure out the horrid autocorrect that is horrid because the space bar is to close to the bottom rom so any time I type one of the bottom row middle letters with my right index,I hit the space too, and it autocompletes that word, even if it was a single letter.

Boom.

I just remembered why I started onto Saul.

Fizzle.  I can not remember again. The fire hose pressure of other thoughts was still to strong to slow down and analize.

BOOM.  The title.  The story.

I have a new life change for 2016. A regular appointment to spend Wednesday night with my new best friend in Hamilton. A traditiion only three or four weeks old before we agreed to skip a few, including tonight. My life here occasionally needs to come up and breath and live again.

She reboots each day with the same horror, perhaps like images on the inside of your closed eyelids. I hate when that happens and a purple blotch keeps me awake, but I can not concieve what it might be like to be a visual thinker.

Because of my A.D.D I quite frequently lost my place and stopped listening to you, and by you I mean every person I ever met. We meet, and wthin a sentence or two, I have judged unfairly, and decided.  Click or Clash, level 1.

SO I want to ever speak to this person again. Would I like to know more?

I greet every new person as a potential friend. Could I add him to my mix?  How can I use him to get off my home square.

(oh, I lkike that. I’m the victum here, Praise me. Jeff is a Hero.

Well… maybe I like praise, and taking care of someone who needs to not be alone and scared.

She lives here, and we’re an odd couple working it out. I see it as a positive challenge, and I percieve she sees it as a distraction.

However, there can be a universe between two words.

I want to stor-ize this one private moment. I hate to do it, but … yadda yadd yadda

..aaaaand it’s gone. (meme Southpark)

… Oooh. Hd a fantasy there. I had a staff that added it… or maybe WordPress 6

I am excited by the future despite the fact it may be the end of me. I am not like the pool table salesman.

Horrible anaology.

-ding. William Hung pops inti my head. footnote.

I am holding the open end of the hose and wshing my mind.

The Wednesday dates. It’s also a challenge. Neither of us WANT to wok harder to earn money. Wednesdays are about progressing off our home square.

It gave me great joy, even when we were not very productive.

Fav not my quote:

IT will all be alright in the end.
If it is not alright, it is not the end.


Guilt voice speaks at the mic. I wonder if the sound of clicking is loud enough to reach her and become an issue. She is in full reset mode and tonight I left her alone to simulate my Hamilton trip, from behind my door.

It might have been mean, but I try to set a boundry that I can not be perfect. I am on my own mission to slef improvement right along with you.

lightbulb.  Maybe the THREE of us should do a daily video moment of spotlight.

Praise potential. Oh that is a neat fantasy.

bing. Pleasure point. Wait a second. I have a friend I can share that with now. On Wednesdays.  shit.  I have missed too many.


Sidebar. Oooo… That may beat zeppelin if it… oh wait, it literally is that. Zeppelin wins that battle. Judge Judy slams her … gavel.

I remember we had a Gavel in the house. I loved that thing. I quite nearly lost my vocal cords forever… more properly I think, Layrnix (my staff will correct the spelling. If it’s still wrong, this is unedited.

Jeff Goebel’s Live transcipted streamming of NOW

We’re back. Thanks to our sponsors … no punchline seems right to waste a plug on.

SCramble. I literaly shake my head.

Second Life Sideb….. shit.  I never got to the side bar. I jjust typed about sidebars, and now I’ve done it again.

Why do I do this. Why do I need to draw out the …

oh

lightbulb. Perhaps that is the answer…

—text interupted. Miracle.

Title continued.  I have some projects I thought I might try in the alternate univefrse first, and lern life skills for taking a risk with some projects in real life…

My jeffy senses are tiggling and I create my own anxiety by projecting what I think you’re feeling. It’s fake empathy biased by self.

It is how I have created my universe. The logic of friendship is fascinating. I literally level my friends. Level 2 friends, level 3 friennn… I catch myself being a bit OCD, but I also remember … no, appaently hat cough behind the wall that was a throat clear.

Guilt says, I was trying to tell you. You’re keeping her mind active with scenarios.

bam.

I do it too. Assume you have an active share of their thoughts. I think you’re paying attention tome, just like I do for you.

Then somebody breas and says, what? aaaaand we’re back.

WHat were we talking about?  Hopefully …

BAM.

What if the … whoosh. Stinker. Idea bloed before the transcript.

AND THE COMMENTS GO WILD

ding.

See.  I did it again, In the lack of praise and applause I imagine it.

Everything can be perfect in your memories

BAM

That is highly ofencive to the people with a mindset I can not comprehend.

I lie, but I have had bad trips on acid. I’ve panicked. I’ve had thoughts coming at me with referebces too fast to process. I’ve said yes and gone on adventures where I might die.

Several times.

They made great stories.

Today I shared a headline.

Crossroads. I have five great stories to tell here and even if I chose one, the others are demanding equal time.

Now I’ve forgotten them all. I came close to anger when that happens on an especially #prideworthy idea… I know I have lost amazing blogs and videos to human error, on weed. I have dozens of videos with no sound and I remember distinctly that something blurry was #shareworthy #doworthy

That is a new one.

Do the worthy things.

No… that fails when anybody can set their own line. Crime is worthy to many who turn to it to survive.

Crime is easy in many ways, they may ever recruit you.

For many its a first job.

phase one. The reposition. A major point where I break for just a moment. Between two paragraphs, and re-evaluate. I know I missed a lot of stories tonight. They were on te walls but I just didn’t have time to share, so the stories don’t get saved.

memory ping.  Did I see a sketch comedy skit about making your stories worth it if life sucked. I interpretted the retelling from my perspective.


Thre powers ga, four.  four powers.

pause.  Crap. I let it out of the cage. It’s gone.

The Spanish Inquision brain flooded me with their wild red capes whisping full open as they dash into my memory. Cardinal Fang catches my eye and I remember the … dramatic chord, COMFY CHAIR

Guilt grabs the mike. So that’s it?  it’s almost 1am and youre going to just keep on typing? It’s wrong.

ok, but ..ahhh… joy crushed. Not worth typing. maybe sleep.

sleep seems like a good idea, even without my orgasm.


instand message distraction.

end of part one, I almost never stopped typing except where I typed pause or …

part 2.  A nw quite

My Kingdom for an audience.

WIthout sharing, we do not really exist, so try to make your story great.

If you come out of tradgey, make it a great story.

I had a great time being a ham tonight, on light molly and strong weed.  I hosted a Cards Agsinst Humanity Game show, and was a live streaming high host, narrating the entire game with emotioanl bias, and real time laughs. I have pride in this and it gave me so much joy.

Enough to win the argument that my fear voive was expressing about the YouPhobia. copyright Jan 12 2016

Fear of being asked on a date by the pretty girl, and then all her friends pop out and laugh. A scene in some show that has been the model of my life. I never fully trust that I am not being made fun of, — pause. Side thought.  That’s the story of my life. All thoughts left open. Every fiber in the optic cable has an open story.

tired. afraid I’ll be on youtube tomorrow or Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow eing laughed at. I want to control my origin story.

JPEG:

That moment when you first realize you’ve been an idiot,

followed immediatly by the realiztion that everyone else has known for a while and been watching you

follwed by the realization that is a TV camera

folowed by the realization that mneans you’re on the news being stupid, or worse, a comedy segment. A meme.

I’ve had dreams of being a meme. Any number of times I looked dorky could be used aginst me in a court of opinion. (Law and Order Shord… thanks staff.  I was going to say Thanks Babe to indicate I might have staff I find attractive.


IS this it? DO I turn off th.. shit. I didn’t catch a Pokemon today. I waas on Day 5 of a 7 day streak. I can’t even commit to that.

Dear Diary

I said this tonight. Believe me, I’m getting something out of it in my head, don’t worry.  If I wasn’t able to see a bright side, I wouldn… and then I stopped. Too late.

Land mine.

I defend my right to call it that. Every sentence is … no wait. Because ‘m making it a game, … too slow. Could not recall a better anaology.

Tired.

No you hang up first. Stopping a thought stream of pleasure cold turkey is hard.

Guilt voice will help, right Hershall?

[blackout]

No. nchore. Could I write a one man monolgue like this and …

awww… nevermind says negative voice, and he pushes SAAVE