My brain justifies drug use a number of ways, but one of the weird things that seems consistent, when I’m close to being out, I like to do it. Finish it, even when that means a significantly larger dose than usual.
With meth, this creates an interesting position to test theories. They way I react to meth is very mild. I frequently don’t notice any change at all, and doing more doesn’t seem to make much difference.
I claim I don’t feel the euphoria that others seem to. I don’t feel spun.
I have admitted that I do feel some effects. I just can’t describe it beyond saying I feel normal, but a better normal. I’m still not high, bit I definitely can’t tackle hard projects. I can write and work, and if I enjoy the work I can stick with it for hours, sometimes all night.
This morning I blogged about doing a few pipes worth to start my day. I stopped worrying about when I would have to deal with life without, which I originally estimated would be later in the week.
But as the morning progressed, I returned to my bed to hit another cloud of smoke every so often. Then again.
It’s 130pm now and I just finished a session where I completed all that I had, as well as smoking the last reminents of three pipes and a bong bowl.
I suspect I’ll clean the last two bong bowls later today and call this batch complete. I’m trying not to think about how bad withdraw could be. Being on a lot of meth makes the worry go away. It’s easier to do it now then extend it over 4 more days like I have done in the past. A dirty meth pipe can provide for a week if I use it sparingly.
I did not use any of this batch sparingly. It was the biggest buy I’ve ever had. It lasted less than a month. I enjoyed it and did my best to sleep enough, but that too was probably biased by the drug.
It tends to make decision making easy, because whatever I decide is correct. The negative brain that usually argues my choices and crushes the joy by convincing me it’s wrong, or unworthy.
Living a month where I felt more confident was nice.
It is important to note my life is pretty full right now. I live in one single room without leaving to go anywhere or do anything. I have my bed, my computer and a 37″ TV with a horrible burn in black cloud.
My day consists of social media, tending to one or two requested computer tasks, lunch, and then TV. Before bed, I’ll watch some porn music videos and then sleep.
At least on the night I can sleep. That can easier as my usage increased and became regular.
I suspect I may sleep more starting tomorrow, perhaps for a few days.
Time will tell, but until then I’ll go higher, write some more blogs, watch TV and enjoy the final day.
0 Comments