I am feeling anxious today. It’s the last day of my week long mini vacation as with most things, the end means it’s time for evaluation. Both inside my head, and on the minds of others, in this case, my travel companion sister.
She has real concern for my wellbeing and that creates a kind of guilt I’m not familiar with. I learned not to care so much about how friends care about me because my interactions were limited and controlled.
My sister and I have been back in each other’s lives only a month, and I’m living in her basement. There is no real place to hide.
And yet somehow I have. I hid inside my brain and really didn’t participate too actively in our holiday at all. I just tagged along, using drugs to make it through the day doing my best not to worry if I was being normal enough to register as a mental health brother.
On reflection, I now realize I might have seemed bored or uninterested in anything. I robbed this experience of any excitement or emotion and coasted on being here.
On my final days, I now fear I may be exposed. My body odour and sweaty t shirt stink combined with dry mouth bad breath and dehydrated jaws is more noticeable. One more day.
And then what? Even if I make the 4 hour journey home without any big reveal, I’m still in the same house.
Argh. Stress. Silly regret. I’m not high enough to handle it right now and too high to not think about it over and over
Whatever choices I make today will probably seem right at the time and wrong the moment I make them.
This is that moment where I re-evaluate whether this drug is worth it. I was doing pretty good off it for 6 months. Maybe I should give up the habit and spend my mental obsessive energies another things.
Alas, that is not a decision to be made easily. When I’m high, it’s easy to say I’ll stop. When I’m not high, it’s harder to not want to be high.
I’ll be curious to see how this plays out.