I don’t really consider suicide very often as a serious option. I did today, but brushed it to the side. I finally life too fascinating to give up on. Too much curiosity about how things will turn out. I used…

A new low.

I don’t really consider suicide very often as a serious option. I did today, but brushed it to the side. I finally life too fascinating to give up on. Too much curiosity about how things will turn out. I used to say the best non-religious reason for not committing suicide is curiosity and I still believe that to some extent.

Then again, there are times when my current situation is so down and I don’t have hope or a solution or even the will to work for a solution. Today is such a day.

I have four days to figure out how to pay a $1,500 hydro bill (electricity) before being disconnected. I live in someone else’s house so this is extremely inconsiderate of me. In lieu of rent I have been tasked to pay the hydro bill. It started under $150 during the pandemic and has increased over the past year to $350 or more with air conditioning season just starting, I suspect it will go up even higher.

During the same time period, my income has dropped off a little. I don’t currently make enough money to pay a $350 bill each month and still eat. It’s now noon on a Wednesday 4 days from disconnection.

I’m laying in bed in my 90° bedroom trying to figure out a solution. Needless to say, the homeowner that lets me stay here is not pleased. I only alerted him to this issue officially just a few days ago, I have been saying it in conversation for months.

The amount due is $1,500 plus of course $350 each month from now on. I’m sitting here with the final notice invoice in my hand knowing I have to call the toll-free number and try to make some sort of deal but I don’t really have a solution. This is exactly the kind of conflict I am poor at. I pre-worry even though I know things tend to work out.

I feel like crying and going back to bed but that’s what I’ve been doing for a while. It doesn’t really work this time. Disconnection is an assured result of ignoring this bill.

End of part 1.

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