Last night I watched the series finale to the blacklist. Throughout the last 10 or so episodes they have been leading up to his obvious death and I quite enjoyed trying to figure out which direction they would take. I like to pre-think the ending of shows. It’s one of the reasons I enjoy procedural crime shows. To see if my ending is better or worse than the ending of the writers. 

In the last two episodes of this show I still wasn’t sure how he would die but I knew it would be on his own terms and it looked like he was going to give into the chase eventually and die in some newsworthy fantastic ending to his story. This was not the case, but instead a touching sad way to die that started me tearing up. 

Unexpectedly the tearing up turned into a sadness and full-blown tears for a while. They were unfocused. I really couldn’t decide what I was crying about but seemed to feel right and I cried for at least half an hour if not more. 

During this time of course I had been weaning myself off my daily usage of meth. A few little clouds in the morning We’re sustaining me but apparently not holding back my emotions. 

There are a lot of things to be sad about in my current life but for the most part there are more things to like about where I am in life. It’s not ideal but it’s better than it has been for a long time and part of that at least, is due to myself medicated mood. As that fades, the negative side gets stronger. 

I had a good sleep and woke up around 6:00 a.m. today. It’s a Sunday so I have plans to sleep a little bit more than usual but I’ll try and get some work done as well so that I can earn enough to get back on the meds. “The meds” is almost a cheeky way of describing them. 

In any case, I’m feeling okay this morning. I had five or six smoke filled exhales from the pipes I’ve been rationing. It may not even be the final ones yet. That could be later today or tomorrow but I do have money coming in with no debts to pay so we’ll see how the rest of the week progresses. 

As of this moment I’m in good spirits and the sun is coming up so I’m hoping for a good day. I have at least a week’s worth of groceries including some chocolate chip cookies which I’ve done without for several weeks. 

I even had a banana by my side when I woke up and it’s taste was delightful. I was using them daily for several months and then held off for a while. Coming back to my morning banana was nice. All is well.