This morning I was checking my email I saw that someone was showing concern for my absence and lack of recent posts. It wasn’t from anyone I know, or at least I don’t think it was. It was from a stranger. I might even be so bold as to say; a fan. Somebody who reads this blog and noticed a period where new posts were not appearing. They noticed. That is a pretty significant thing to me. Statistics show that almost nobody even knows about this blog, but those who do discover it primarily do so because I used a unique phrase or keyword that brought them here, and they leave. On hit wonders. Having somebody send me a message saying they noticed an absence was a deliberate effort. A show of interest, if not concern. In that moment I was simultaneously delighted and afraid. Somebody was paying attention. A casual blog might have become a responsibility overnight. I have to be careful, because a responsibility is a whole different kind of blog. It changes, or at least it runs the risk of changing. Blogging one’s private thoughts and struggles to a diary is one thing, but having people actually read it with interest seems like a different beast. Somebody that notices a pause is potentially waiting for more. I consciously decided that person needs an answer, but I won’t start writing just to please the first person to ask for an update. This is still my publicly available private journal, and my incentive to post has to be genuine.
The truth is, I haven’t been using the drugs that give me the focus and creativity to post as often, and I’ve been working reasonably hard on getting a couple of projects finished instead. My computer time is dedicated to work, and I have not thought much about blogging. I also had a few setbacks with this blog that caused me to lose a few posts – Twice. It wasn’t my happy place for a while.
So here it is for you, stranger: a new blog post. I’ve been more depressed than usual since I was told I should figure out a way to leave what I assumed would be a forever home, or at least a home where I wasn’t constantly obsessing over what’s next for me. I have a bunch of unfinished drafts that I will eventually post, but I am more easily distracted without my drug, so they are all only the first few paragraphs instead of fully finished blog posts.
Life is at a low point, which is often prime blogging content, but I don’t feel like writing when I’m down and depressed. That may change soon. I do have lots to blog about, but instead I have been pouring my reduced energy into side projects and AI-based silly fun or customer-requested programming. The same amount of computer time, just redirected to things that give me dopamine in a different way than writing about my current woes.
I sincerely thank you for asking. It made a bigger difference than you know.
