Orange Shirt Blogs

Welcome to the Orange Shirt Blogs. A personal space for OrangeJeff that I don't share with everyone. It includes honest blogging about my struggles with mental health, drug use, sexuality and life in general. It also includes a lot of…

Orange Shirt Blogs

Welcome to the Orange Shirt Blogs. A personal diary and gallery for OrangeJeff that I don’t share with everyone. It includes struggles with mental health, drug use, sexuality and life in general.

READ ME FIRST

READ ME FIRST

A previously secret collection of over a decade of journals and blogs from the mind of Orange Jeff telling the honest stories of my mental illness, brain...

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Pass GO. Collect deals.

Pass GO. Collect deals.

I'm on a free train ride to Toronto today, and by free. I mean $50 in Uber fees to get to the train station and back. The train ride from Niagara to Toronto is free though. There is a useless...

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I might share this. I probably won’t.

I might share this. I probably won’t.

When the pandemic was not yet fully in lockdown, the company paying me a $600 a month contract concluded suddenly. My rent was $600 a month.In a panic, a couple from my past graciously offered me a...

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Twitter Stream Fail.

Twitter Stream Fail.

This is not an embed. Thats false features. It's a link. I could have done better. First 30 seconds are blank screen. OrangeJeff Webcam Stream https://t.co/3obuNplMtC— Orangejeff420...

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May was a decline month

When I look back on June, I'm not pleased. It was more of the same from a different location. I'm now laying in bed back in Niagara dehydrated and starving. Depressed. High. Unmotivated. Sad. May...

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Passing the sweet spot.

Passing the sweet spot.

In an attempt to be more productive without adderall, I ingest a certain amount of meth each morning. It's a very subtle incline and it's easy to miss the sweet spot where you can still think enough...

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Thursday Morning

Thursday Morning

My bedroom clock somehow lost almost an hour while I was away. Unusual because it's never really needed adjustment before. Perhaps it slows when the battery weakens. I guess that makes sense. Some...

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Unnecessary Highness

Unnecessary Highness

I seem to have reached a blah plateau tonight. Too high to care. Still dehydrated and bacteria tongue. Didn't eat any real food. Just bagels and chocolate. No interest in pornography or hypnosis....

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That was the May

That was the May

I'm sitting on my bed naked with a towel and 10:30 a.m. on the last day of May. In a couple of hours I will hand the keys back for this home and be done with this memory for now. My first month back...

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Familiar Fog

I want to feel like this was a good choice. We all want to feel that way. This was a positive decision that will help towards the goal. Who knows at this point. The best I can hope for is that my...

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Hostile Work Environment inside my head

Monday. First day back for the support staff that get all the work done is a busy day. Back logs and priority requests. Problems of the past and future. They look to my website project with hope......

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Which not happy option is easier

Which not happy option is easier

Of I start with the assumption that I will discover ways to be unhappy with any choice, doesn't it makes sense to pick the easier ones? It's hard to keep everyone happy. Money doesn't motivate me. I...

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Monday customer service

Monday customer service

Yes Hello. I'd like to exchange this current life for a new one. I don't like the amount of effort involved. I was mislead about how it would be better. I realize I've only had this new life less...

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Oops it’s Monday.

I forgot spontaneous move day was a Monday. A work day. Each new trip teaches me something or provides a new story. Forgetting to secure a place to live will be inconvenient and possibly really hard...

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I’m ignoring

I’m ignoring

I could be startled by a team of anybody. I could be the nerdy stooge they set up. Since I lost trust in people, I am . I don't want to list my problems here. Then I wouldn't be ihnorongbthem....

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Indecision

Indecision

I'm on the second bus now. Each ride of my daily commute is about an hour and then I change from Toronto transit to Mississauga. This morning, I was out of sync. I took a bit longer walking at the...

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Friday Commute -Moist edition

Friday Commute -Moist edition

Yesterday ended in an exhausting mood swing. My new job is a lot to adjust to, even for me; a guy who talks about adjusting to change like it's my superpower.If I'm honest with myself, I know I'm...

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I remember the blah workday

I remember the blah workday

Today I started with the last of my focus medication. A smaller dose. It faded around 2pm and since 4pm I have basically done no additional work. I remember this feeling. I can't lock in and work....

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Short walks are scary

Short walks are scary

I get another chance to worry about death every day. In the moments following short walks or stair climbs. The moment when I stop to lean on something for a while and catch up breathing.It's not...

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Two days on, freak out.

Two days on, freak out.

I'm not really feeling the blog inspiration this morning. I was looking forward to it on the walk to the bus station. It is a nice spring day and I was alert and feeling the confidence needed for a...

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I’m freaking out on the inside

I’m freaking out on the inside

It's only 8am on the morning after the first day back post COVID. So much has restarted for me at once. I don't want to fail, but most of my life experience is actually in failing and running away.I...

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Is it OK to …

Is it OK to …

Two nights story really should be a video and it still may be It's only quarter to 10That's how I get me.For me, the key ingredient to a good friendship is ...I didn't overthink.As much.My mind...

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Commuter Internet

Commuter Internet

I have a 10gb data plan on my phone. Now that I am actually leaving my home more than once a month, it was time to upgrade. I will be traveling alone for two hours each morning and returning each...

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Replacement Monday

Replacement Monday

It's a Tuesday here in Toronto but it feels a bit more like a Monday because we had a long weekend holiday Monday. It was supposed to be a rest day so I could start my office job again. I have only...

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The Minutes of this

The Minutes of this

I remember when I first learned that some meetings provide you with a summary at the end called the minutes. There are a lot of meetings that are supposed to have minutes and somebody's been...

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The shelling continues into day 4

The shelling continues into day 4

Sorry. That was elsewhere in the world. In my new neighbourhood they just love recreating the uneasiness of war sounds all night. My ears hear more levels of city sounds each night. I figured out...

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At what point do you look up?

At what point do you look up?

I feel rather silly telling you this but it's a good story so I don't mind. I recently moved back into Toronto to downtown West. The previous times I've lived in Toronto it has been well out into...

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Maybe this is the time

Maybe this is the time

Every new day is the potential for it to be the one that changes your life. Either in ways you have planned for and or just by a sheer coincidence. It could be today. It could be tomorrow. It could...

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The Conversation Room

The Conversation Room

You see an online virtual mall filled with flashy storefronts and top notch animated advertisements everywhere. You walk down the pathway in awe at how many options there are to spend money on a...

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The following week

The following week

I moved back to Toronto and found a nice little place for the first month to stay started work on Monday and on Thursday I left early. Friday we were closed for the whole next week with covid and I...

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Feelings Friday

Feelings Friday

The plans for today are in flux. As I was turning the key to lock the back door, my phone rang. My co-worker informed me that our boss has tested positive for Covid-19 and I should not come in to...

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Day two Milligan

Day two Milligan

Technically my Thursday at the bus stop but only my second day of work because discovered I didn't have any way to pay for the bus so it took the day off despite it being only my second day. I will...

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My life long search for “A One”

My life long search for “A One”

It doesn't have to forever, but I want to meet somebody new and be good friends over a project. Every person, male or female that I meet is evaluated whether they could be, a one. Somebody that gets...

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Freaking out

Freaking out

It's hard to describe in words the way that I tend to freak out. It's kind of like... An explosion of thoughts followed immediately by a vacuum of no thoughts. In a moment I am aware of the failure...

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Day 2. Still not perfect

Day 2. Still not perfect

I know I should not be concentrating on the negatives but... I'm still smiling despite the setbacks. The amount of failing can hopefully make a numerous story. I am still sporting my long hair and...

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501L

501L

I foolishly thought all bus stops were equal on the Queen West line, so I missed the earlier one, but Google maps says I should still arrive before 10 I'm on it now, and it is cool and bright and I...

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Morning Day 1… Things I’m doing wrong

Morning Day 1… Things I’m doing wrong

This bedroom is awesome. My bed is awesome. The heavy fluffy comforter is awesome. I sleep motionless and deeply. The waking up part is less awesome. I walked a lot yesterday and I'm not used to...

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My Day Job

My Day Job

I have not really had a sit at a desk all day job. It's been 25+ years since I've worked a job at all. This is a big life change in a few ways. I arrived promptly a few minutes before 10am with a...

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The internal yes/no battle

The internal yes/no battle

When I have a task to do, and I can see how many steps are ahead, I debate. I feel tired and want to quit. I don't have to quit.i really need this task, or these shopping items. Today I am out and...

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Shifted Friend Cirle

Shifted Friend Cirle

I think this probably happens to a lot of drug users. Once you start doing things high, and you want to share those stories, you have to select which friends you can talk to about it. There will...

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Day T-1

Day T-1

Today is Sunday. My practice day to see that I can wake up and get things done. I won't say I'm failing already, but it certainly wasn't a totally slow start. It's 10:30 and I feel like I will...

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The Next Episode

The Next Episode

In the past. I have always talked about each new move as a Chapter in my life story. I learn so many new things when I'm living in the house with other people. Now I think it might be time to...

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Maybe it’s just Wednesday

Maybe it’s just Wednesday

There's a line in the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy which many of the fans know well and quote frequently. As often as 52 times a year I suppose. It must be a Thursday. I never could quite get...

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Orange Shirt Blogs