It turns out we do thank God it’s Friday.

Old English Frīgedæg ‘day of Frigga’, named after the Germanic goddess Frigga, wife of the supreme god Odin and goddess of married love; translation of late Latin Veneris dies ‘day of Venus’, Frigga being equated with the Roman goddess of love, Venus. Compare with Dutch vrijdag and German Freitag.

In therapy, we discussed that I need to work harder to change a habit or trait, but that if I really wanted it, the task would be easy. I need to figure out what I really want.

I gave him an answer last week. I want to be exactly where I am now, always optimistic that the Universe will provide a solution. I am enjoying the path I’m on and looking forward to turning my memories of my past, into sharable stories.

Exactly where I am now, but pay for rent, food, and occasionally, drugs. I would like out from the trap I have put myself in, mostly through inaction.

That’s kinda my thing.

My name is Jeff Goebel, although I’m more widely known by strangers as either frogstar42 or Orange Jeff. Orange Jeff is my “on weed” persona and is a different personality than the public Jeff Goebel.

I will not be editing the first draft of this or any other blog in this series. Although you may be reading a polished copy, I maintain every edit on my website. One of my coolest memories circles around my attachment to “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. I am actually sad that I can’t tell them here now, but my brain was flooded with quite a few significant stories surrounding my copy of the book, which contained not only a copy of a live script of the film but a live copy of the first draft, along with notations as to the origins of the entire movie. It was one of my greatest joys because I had Monty Python sketches nobody else did. Before the Internet, Nobody meant the kids in your circle.

It was one of the very first big books with lots of words I ever read from front to back, probably over a few months. Although my memory does not recall the process, I can recall the joy. I can see the pages clearly in my head. 

Then Wallie Watkins, a very cool chair-on-chin performing leprechaun, who happened to be my favourite of all Principles while I was in school. He borrowed it and lost it, and it was gone.

I persisted and he eventually found a new one and replaced it, just in time before they replaced him. I don’t know his story, but he’s a hero in mine. Just for that, and his stepladder on a chin trick, and his name and stature. I never actually had a trip to the principle for principle things. He might have been horrible at the actual job.

Now, as I suspected, I have absolutely no idea what I was typing about before that sidetrack zeppelin.

The Important Friday I see is the title, and it re-ignites the memory of my therapy and being told that Nike owns the rights to the best therapy slogan we ever could have had.

Just Do It.

Now to som I imagine, that’s considered rude, and you’d get a slap in the face… or much worse online. You can’t say JUST DO IT to … I stop. I was going to type You can’t say JUST DO IT to a person in a wheelchair, and then my mind flashed through all the fine people who just do it. People in wheelchairs have done it all, from skiing to skydiving and so much more. I was going to say blind, or — I can’t.

Still, despite the idea of political correctness, mental illness and phobias are all living in a world where to them — to us, JUST DO IT is the problem. 

I should. I could. I don’t

In my mental recap, I re-hashed an old idea when I first decided the JUST DO IT idea might actually work. It fit in line with the philosophy;y and history of my universe that would become one of the recipients of 

At this point, I like to mention, I’m high on weed, just in case that wasn’t clear before I start writing sentences and ending them mid-letter with the realization I was hit by a wave.

That moment when something shiny – or intellectually exciting, catches my attention and floods my brain with OOooEE OOooEE feelings… NEW!  What is it? 

There is nothing more exciting to a 55-year-old human being that lives alone with medicated depression, and a total lack of life skills than new.

There is a great episode of Star Trek Next Generation – Yes. In my head, I hear the moans of some people in my future who read that and their head does not make OoOoOoo feelings. It makes a disappointment. Some of you may have reacted as if that was a barrier to the rest of the story.  Although the image of Trekkie nerd was once a banished virgin few, easy targets for everyone else to mock. Until one day, you find a show you love, and not only do you wish to tell and your friends about it, but you might be sad you don’t get to go to annual convention parties.

DING. WOW. I bet Ad Astra could sell out a cosplay masquerade dance on the Saturday, if it wasn’t marketed attached to the con.

Sorry – I do that. When I’m high on weed, I write at the speed of thought, and although I start out with the intention of a series and #shareworthy topic, it often breaks the fourth wall and I start typing my stream of thought directly to the screen.

That means sometimes I follow a tangent. It’s a good example of the way my mind works, exaggerated by the weed.


I still believe that to survive happily, I need to increase my interactive 

I need to be around people or have a partner, either romantic, business or both.

I only progress with the aid of a handler. I prefer support over deciding.

Alone, I let the current choose my path.

All through this, I still seem able to mock the Catholics with a straight face, although as I type some of these words, I start to see I’m using different words, but I’m stealing the same basic religion story.

The Universe Provides. If I do not choose and follow my rules, something will happen, and I’ll react and the day will be saved. I need to stop believing this, despite the positive re-enforcement of it actually working.

If I take the time to search for pride within those rock bottom bounce backstories, I would — I do realize that they were all solved because I did make a choice at the last minute. More often, after the last minute.  If I can’t see the reward, I am not motivated to do the horrible tasks I don’t want to do.

So I don’t.

They don’t exist unless something in the universe refreshes my memory, or somebody complains. I am programmed to solve problems when people complain. 

The NEW is in front of me, so by nature, it’s exciting. The difference between being in the front seat of the car, or the hood ornament.

“Our entire universe happens at the same time for every one of us.

[X] It’s how we save the moment that we call life

Thinking of anything beyond that is remembering a story

We control that story. Everything you know to be is either happening in your NOW, or the story you saved in your personal memory.  Your THEN.

Everything in our entire universe is just the stories we’re told, and the stories we tell.

All it takes to change the universe is change the way we tell the stories, both globally and locally.

All it takes to change yourself is to learn how to tell your stories better.


A picture of a segway.

Returning to the point, I believe I am smart in my own way and socially awkward in my own way. I am and always have been odd. I just didn’t know it. I just hated myself for other reasons… when not alone.

[file missing]

For whatever reasons still unexplored, I have very few actual memories of my entire childhood. I have no reference memories with which to tag them for retrieval. The single snapshots I remember, are from photographs I’ve seen, rather than the actual memories. I remember most of the furniture, cabinetry and floorplans or all the houses. I can list how many bedrooms I’ve been in and describe each bed.

I do not remember Christmases, birthdays or any family moments. I remember those I wrote down.

I’ve been writing down since I was 8.

I’ve been blogging since I was 16

I have never read any of them, and keep meaning to.

JUST DO IT

I wonder if Nike comes after me for showing up in their search engines. The non-authorized use of an uplifting term notably without any punctuation or famous toboggan logo.

I should start a list.

I can. 

Approximately 20 seconds passed between the last sentence and this one, during which time I considered ways to start a list. Each one included a task I self-deemed too complex to do at this moment.

The magic lie that I believe. I’ll get back to it.

I should. I could. I won’t. I don’t.

But what if I did.

What if, I acknowledged the obvious logic to doing it.

whatever it is in the moment.

Anyone of my past blogs could contain a genius business idea or website with virtually no upfront costs and a way to earn money for the people.

Many of them might be perfect for a celebrity to use or a product lifestyle marketing campaign. 

I sincerely believe many of my ideas are doable business, and all they need to get started is to get started.

The moment I can justify “not at this moment”, they’re gone. Very few come up again in future blogs, except my main storylines. 

The battle I have now is whether the blockage has a basis, or the solution is just an extra step. The 3-minute tasks I can fear and put off for decades. 2018 was the year of discovery and I actually did a lot of things in the NOW for at least 3 or 4 months before reverting.

Since I’ve become a near hermit in the past 3 years, my activity outside the home is so low, any activity could be reframed as a positive.

I have to believe I have progressed, and yet in my head I think; I’ve been here before. Optimistic at how close I am to actually doing something.

I make subtle or drastic changes each year on my birthday and New Years.

Oh. I just noticed that. I need supervision on my birthday.

It’s coming up and I’m lower than I’ve ever been… or at least remember.

— And the solutions are so close. All doable.

ALL DOABLE

If I could find them interesting or rewarding in any way.

I can’t. I won’t. I don’t

I should. I’m not at I will yet, because sober Jeff drives the brain for the actual do-ing part. Sober Jeff is on the hood with his mouth out like a dog in the car window. He rides the NOW and watches TV. Orange Jeff does the dreaming, thinking, blogging and talking to the camera.

#redflag


Dream.

I believe in my humour. My life has been all about humour. I have an origin story for my personality.  

I have a simultaneous origin story for my dream life, where I learned to fly in my teens.

I’m not crazy, I’m creative and I’ve worked hard to be the punchline guy around friends. I modelled my style after sitcom funny people. From Bon Newhart first, through Seinfeld. I always assumed life was like that, so I always went for the joke.

It didn’t go well after high school, and I learned to tone it down and read the room. Punchlines are not welcome at her father’s funeral. People want cheering up, but not caught laughing.

I believe I could be a va—

I can’t. Pride is a personal thing. Shared pride is tricky and hard for me. 

Without sharing, all my ideas are genius and #prideworthy
Once I share, I’m open to judgement and opinion. 
I don’t like learning I’m imperfect
I am only recently learning powerful secrets,.

Nobody expects perfection
Personality has value
Stop calling them failures
Stop apologizing for doing your best. 

Life-changing secrets that suddenly clicked and the lightbulbs brightened a whole dark area.

I do not feel guilty (mostly) for not being perfect.

I used to.

I also believe I have not mastered the skill of ignoring past experience when it’s based on the way I have reacted in the past. This brain has been trained since age 5 and before, that I find it difficult to do anything that I can’t make interesting. If I don’t like it, trying is hard. Trying over and over is harder. 

I won’t say I can’t, but I will say I have yet to master that ability. I can see nothing to do if there are too many things to do.  It doesn’t currently seem like a choice. I’m not sure I made that clear in therapy. I don’t think of them.

I have decided that is a cop-out. It’s like anything else. I have to put up a fight if I want things.

It’s just so easy to say I don’t.

Time has run out. I will not make some crucial payments next month. Shit.


Oh Look, A zeppelin.

I was a good teacher.

I’m a great Info Desk worker.

People like me.

I have been thinking a first might be fun. My helpful quick tips was a very popular feature with fans, despite zero promotion. 

“I don’t need to be famous,
I just want a few good fans”


I would like to write with somebody. again.

Collaborative comedy is my favourite.

————- The Hill————–

I am now over it. In an instant, my chill excitement to write is crushed by the dark wave of negative imagery. The memory of the past used as examples of why it’s not worth trying.

It stops me from getting down. The negative energy can be ignored.

Oh look, a zeppelin.

End of part 1.
Friday 7:33

Free weed.

[Not proofread, but edited for spelling and Grammar with Grammarly, the free edition.

I just realized I never told The Star Trek story.

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