It’s 2pm on Convention Friday. My brain was influenced to arrive early. Registration is not for another two hours and I am already worn out and tired. As is often the case leading up to my annual event, I get worried and sabotage my job.
This convention is like a tiny ComicCon except it caters more to book authors and good stories more than motion poictures, comics and mega stars. I like it. It’s attended by about 800 regulars each year over a three day weekend and I sit pretty much the entire time in one place. The info desk. It’s my favourite job in the world.
Sitting in one place, and having people voluntarily ask me questions I can answer. Mosytly happy friendly people. I volunteer because it’s a routine. I don’t even remember how many years I’ve been doing it, but oonce weekend a year, I get to hang out and smile. What’s not to love?
I’m not sure about that. Desopite remembering how much fun it is, and how much I enjoy it, the weeks leaving up to it, and training off afterwards are always more stressful than they should be. I’m still me. I can put my happy face on and be happy… but this is another prime example of me just doing the same thing over and over. I don’t really flirt. I don’t dance. I don’t take advantage of drunk women at 3am after they’ve been drinking Blood wine and singing Klingon Karake. I don’t enjoy the event, or myself.
I don’t “party”. I can get high, but that isn’t the same thing. Like pretty much everything in life, I respond to the things in front of me, or I do nothing. THis year could have been different. I’m different. I’ve been happier and more stable than I’ve ever been. I’ve been enjoying my work and doing it well. I have a neww sense of pride, confidence and much of my long life guilt has vanished.
Naturally, I did stupid things in the days leading up to today to crush that joy and potentially foil the whole weekend. I’m actually considering being sick. A real “kind of” sick that exists, buit stems from my own fault. I’ve not really been sleeping or eating well since last week. I chose to party (my version, mostly at home alone) and not rest, so this 3 day adventure will be a harder one than it needed to be.
It is true I will almost ertainly pick up my mood and be excited to see people as I always am. It really is fun being the info desk guy. I jjust know I’ll be tired in the back of my mind, fighting to run away.
I have not run away. Not this whole year. I almost did, but I’m doing ok. I anticipate having this mood pass in a week or two. It’s my summer slip. I came close to having sex… but I say that a lot. Something always foils my plans. I oubt it will hppen this weekend.
BEsides, I only have $50 to spend and I’ll say no to any flirt attempts long before I recognize them as so.
End of part one.

i dont want to tear up.

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