I’m on the subway off to start day 3. I am reminded of that photo of a cat standing tall in a gathering of meercats.

I don’t feel confident enough to feel happy.i.know a little more work and reading and asking questions would have helped but the negative feeling and the weird medication change are easy outs for my brain to use as an excuse. It dies that. It takes the path of least effort, even when I realize it. I’m trying to be better.

I’m trying to take the extra moment it takes to not do things the harder way. Sometimes I do and it feels great, but when I don’t, it feels fine. As long as my current is manageable, I don’t take the risk to make it better because I fear it will make it worse.

I am aware it almost never is. I don’t really experience bad times these days. I’m beyond that, but I still remember. I still fear being yelled at. I still hide from dissapointing others  

I wish most of all I could remember that even on failure, I can make everyone smile. It’s what I’m best at.

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