It’s a Friday before what is now called memorial day weekend, although I remember when it was Victoria Day and many people in Canada call it may 2-4 weekend presumably because one year it fell on the 24th and a beer company ran commercials. We Canadians love our beer in 24 can cases. At least I think we do. I only tried beer once.

Today I started a thing. I’ll see if I can maintain it. I start a lot of things. I don’t file up and continue most of them. I either quit before I fail, or quit when I fail, or just forget to continue, and call it a fail.

I don’t start even more things. Ideas I come up with daily. Often business ideas or websites or just things I could do to have a better life, like joining a group, or even calling a friend to hang out. I don’t even start many of those idea and internally justify it by claiming I’ll just fail and quit anyway. I can even scenario a creative scene in my imagination of the multiple ways I will fail.

I have much more experience in quitting that starting or moving forward, so those ideas are easier to imagine. I rely on the feedback of other to continue or succeed so I have built a life where I don’t hang out with people to avoid the whole hassle if trying and failing. 

I love life, but I don’t believe I will, do I don’t try.

In therapy, I’m not learning this as anything new. But I am saying it out loud and coming to terms with his absurd it sounds. How absurd it is. I don’t want what I think I want and I know if love what I think I don’t want. It’s a loop that keeps me inside, flip flopping between happiness and sadness depending on the moment.

Five years ago at age 50, I discovered a website on January 2nd, being oro.ited as a motivational too. It was a small community of people who set a goal for themselves, and a commitment to share their progress with the other members on a daily basis, using only a 10 second video.

It was called Giveit100.com and at the time. I was at a very low point in my life. By coincidence, I had been given notice that the contract work I’d been doing for a few years would be ending in 90 days and I would not have enough money to pay rent. It was also the very first time in my life I lived alone, without partner or room mate.

I was a co-dependant, living without a co-

I was lost. 

Through the next 100 days, I posted a 10 second video each morning without fail, sharing my struggle as best I could in the alloted time, and watched several others following their journey.

Some days 10 seconds was far too short and other days it seemed too long, but as a spectator, it was just right. I could happily watch other people’s life progress in short clips. 30 seconds might have been too difficult to witness, especially on the down and sad days.

People saw me cry. They saw me laugh. We watched each other fall and pick ourselves up. We commented and showed our support and encouragement all in a polite and friendly community. It started to become fun. We got fans. We were fans.

We had friends we cater about sharing a struggle. A goal.

People were learning all sorts of things from pushups to finding a job or learning sign language. I was trying to find replacement income. That was my 100 day goal.

On the 98th day, I did… By complete fluke, but that’s how my universe has always worked. Things work out. It made me understand how some people can believe in Jesus. 

It’s a strange universe on which good things seem to happen when you’re in a good mood and bad things tend to happen when you’re in a bad mood. My universe provides.

Eventually the Giveit100 people realized they were not getting the funding they’d hoped for and the two founders moved on to other projects. There was much sadness losing this tool, but it had changed my life in a few ways so I’ll always be thankful.

I’ve always thought about trying a similar project on my own. I own a web design and hosting company, but even through existing services like Instagram or snapchat, perhaps I could inspire myself to do something once a day, and share that process in brief clips.

I tried today, even knowing inside my head I won’t. I’ll miss tomorrow and use obsession as an excuse to call it a fail. 

This makes me sad. I pre-fail when I want to prevail.

Maybe someone else will join me.

All it takes to change my life is one good fan.

End of Subway Ride.

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