I saw it coming. It came. It happened.

The Monday I gonored something intentionally, and upset thhe balance. I failed and will have to explain, or take the fault and run away.

A huge deal.

A job I need, but don’t want. So I pre- failed.

I’m sad. It’s the monday after I relapsed. I took some molly and went on a walka bout.

I got very high and then very low.

I ghosted an employer ion the day of a scheduled meeting.

Shame.

It’s so not me. It’s so me.

I make the universe force me to react, rather than decide. I make quitting the easy choice, rather than trying.

Running away and letting people down is a shame I’ve managed to make my purpose.

ding. Perhaps I am terrified of success because it might be harder. I don’t like making desisions now. I can’t image the stress of making more every day. Decisions lead to dissapointment which is worse than shame.

I’d rather choose no than choose. I always need to be asked again, to feel wanted enough to say  yes.

No is the defense of my prime directive. it is the road less risky to annoy or irritate or “activate”.

I must tone down the importasnce of those directives.

Sad. Might actually have my ecstasy followup emotional drain tonight. 

Life is hard and the shortcust don’t always help.

end of part 1, written at desk.

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