I was excited to do some writing tonight. To fill in my journal with some of the things I’ve learned. How I’ve progressed.

As I started, I realized I won’t do most of that, bnecausse the excitement comes from a little bit of weed, and with that, comes horrible blogging. I’ll give it a try anyway, and perhaps a second draft will be more understanbdable.

Life recap: The odd.

I put my 24/7 webcams back on, and for the most part, I have lived in their view. I have been high in their view. I can’t quite explain why I’m doing this, but I’ll try. Two significant life events happened on January 1st, simultanioously.

And then I had Tjherapy Thursday and connected some open paranthesis … I closed some stories. GOSUB RETURN.

I’m still working through a way to describe my cliffhanger way of writing when I’m alone.

Deep harsh therapy session.  I loved it. I cried.

Then I watched a cry movie tonight,

Then I smoked a little weedn and started writing this blog.

Correction. Then I watched the first tree episodes of the lat series of Liminy Snickets Series of Unfortuynate Ecents.

I was blown away about the underlying message, that these kids have not been extrodinary. They’ve just been well read. Their superpowers are the ability bto learn and understand things in such a way that they can relate that knowldge to other situations.

The connections I recently linked to intellegence and probably IQ. My A.DD hindered my IQ scores somewhat but I’ve never needed a test to tell me I’m smart in the way I wouild consider good.

This past weekend, I did a bad drug again. I did a drug in a strong dose that I already knew was not LSD.

The story gets fuzzy from there, but I do not deny I seeked this experience out and I got lost in the halucinations. The negative story includes how I hurt two of my closest frieds by both the act, and my actions on New Years Eve.

My story is in how cool the Universe can be once you let go of reality. It’s been a very rare few times I have forgotten I was just sitting in bed high. Even under hypnosis, I have maintained control. Obcessivly so, which is why an acid high keeps me awake thge lonngest but I wake with the clearest mind of any drug. I also don’t need to do it often. Once a year might be enough….

ding. A bell goes off inside my mind AFTER I do or say something. I wonder if I could ever have a legal defencse that I have never been able to thinkk before doing. Probably not.

Q: Would you want your Judge to hav experienced weed, or not?  Ponder.

The sessipon revealed that I am using drugs on lonley days. In this most recenty relapse, Halloween, and New Years Day. New years day comes with a lot of drug holidays.  Companionship woild have resolved my need, but I chose …

—–

I think I like buhudism’s jpegt wisdoms more than Christianity’s tweets.

I wonder if they went through a phase of making them all on fridge magnets and wood carvings Budha T Shirts.

I also may have gone wacko on Twitter and may have even threatened my life. It is possible somebody will contact me about it. Or  not. I have kacebook and twitter detect syuicide mentions. It really was a kind of suicide mania which my brain has created.

See what I can remember.

My phone was unusable. It contained screens that did not look like mine in any way. So naturally I make the connection this is a fake phone. I have a second phone. All I want to be able to do is turn on the camera to make sure I was getting this on camera. I wanted to record that I am witnessing the universe isn’t what I thought.

I became obcessed that I had seen behind the universe stage. I caught the creators doing a Trueman Show on me.

The first time I opened the door to confirm my universe was not just this room. Hello. I’m sorry to disturb you. I won’t bother you again, but could you help me just turn my phone on and press record?

The phone was off. I could not conveny this to her, so when she said this phone is dead, I believed her. Of course it was. I bet it’s been recording my codes.

Two equalliy hilarious side stories happened after the first breach. Each time I had to go to the door, I felt horrible. I faught withoutmyself in a negotiation between myself, and her totally in my head that at this point, the universe was cancelled and we were probably on to the next job, or reset, much like they did for over 8700 years on The Good Place.

Suddenly I understood the concept of infinite time. All of life changes when you think of the concept of infinbite time. One of my very favouruite books is one I can’t name or find. It was a sequel to H G Well, The Time Machine about going forward to a universe that could just maniulate matter on the spot.

In my fictional imagination, all we have to do it figure out that vibtraions are the substnce of the universe. Each element vibrates at a different rate. Perhaps virbration frequences at a certain point don’t move up or down, right or left, but appear and idssapear.

What if fibration frequencies are the elements but we stopped being able to calulate thoese that may vibrate in smaller parts per million. Is it not possible that a piece of matter could vibrate at a frequency where each piece of matter is 36 million lightyears away, and it vibrates once per 64 days. I beleieve science is trying to figure out small sciience in a way that fits with big science. I think it’s be wild if I did.

I don’t mean figure something … ahhh shit.  Negative vpoice.

——

I visited my therapist. He desrves to be called a phyciatrist but… (pride point) That is the first time in my life I think I’ll speled the word.I usually don’t use words I don’t know how to spell

fuck. I didn’t.I see thge ered line under it now. I guess I was typin so many errors it was behgind.

behind

We talked about why I …

We talk about reaons, but in such a way I have to come home and watch two family friends shows with lessons and cry, get a little high and write.

I have the feeling 2019 wil be a success. I am doing what I say I’m not. I’m just doing in treally really slowly.

But I’ve always been pride of the ideas to move forward. Now I am however looking for things to keep me busy because I enjoy it so much. EVery day I can start with a gioal, I can work till I find a break to stop at. I’ve worked 16 hours on a single web project before.

This could be the eyar.

The thing that I most afraid of, is gone. My mother and my father. The goal of perfection, or a reasonablky hand drawn facimile suddenly lost it’s audience.

I don’t need to live in fear. I don’t need to be afraid of the yelling.

He’s not here to be let down.

And I ecently discovered that I am kind of awesome.

Thursday I learned I’m excentric and dresh in a way that stands out. Both those statements hit me hard from the doc.

In a previous session I had … I pUased remembering there are cameras. Should I ba talking?

No. Reading. The art that cxab’t die.

In many ways, I suspect the world might work better if teenagers left school to work, but still read books. Lots. Some with discussion among peers, but mostly just read books like the Boedelaires.

It is slightly preferred if manuyy of you read the same books, as conversation works on a better level with anologies in the langaue and a shared community means shared analogies. The Bible is an excelent Examnple. So if Fred Flintsone.

I prefer Star Trek petrsonbally, and most recently, The Orville fr my shared “bible-esq” stories.

I had discussed previously my atire wasn’t so much as invented as… wait… Yes. I take credit for a style. From the moment I discovered the power of the storyteller, I created a look. It started with Orange T shirts, then T shirts then button down polo shirts (solids) then to my recentl look, which only now I am realizing is possibly over 10 years old.

I have Facebook photos in the same shirts going back years, and yet I have almost 100 of these shirts. I cycle the favourites because

Ding

I do not like to make desisions. Root. The reason I surf thge current and go with the flow and ambrace my now and embrace the current is becausae if IU don’t make a choice, I can’t be wrong.

I can live with not choosing becaus the frowns didn’t come from me.

I don’t risk because I don’t choose.

I wait till I have to react.

Prtocrastination isn’t lazyness. It is self defence agains having to make choices until something makes me.

and some lucky few like me, discover if you’re well read or intellegent, people tend to off the hook for responsability. I leartned the art of bluffing, being nice, non threatening and I aim to make you smile.

I’ve been ignoring all the crap of life because I thought I wouldn’t make it this long. I don’t even want to share my diet with this blog because I’m more affrraid of being carted away to the health nuts more than the nuts nuts.

I’ve had limited success on my coat along the current. I’ve hit some rocky patches but I’m still here.

In my high, I dioscovered a meaning for non binary that was life changing. The move to a non binary phiolosophy of anything is significant. Binary means yes or no. on or off, exist or don’t exist.

Non binary simply means or. A infinite universe just opened up to so many people and things to be able to say “or”.

Make note. I decided the end to the problem of English not having a non gender set of pronouns or nounds. Them and Their are the voted terms but pe\retty much everyone doesn’t want to lose their plural root. I propose “ors”

Now that I try to use it in a sentence, I don’t like it anymore. Yopu’d neem to use an ors or an or and it’s juts all wrong. It wasn’t goning to make it from the start but I wanted to play it out.

The Doc talked about serial and paralell thinking. The mind I write with is a serial thought, from any two [points we might define as a moment, I think one thgought at a time. This is because the current NOW is serial for me. I only think in the moment of now. We all do. Our entire universe happens at the same NOW, or or less.

If I think serially, but my emnotions are non binary, there is room for so muc or.

—–

I’m also watching Stan Lee’s Lucky Man. I’m glad he got a series with his name in the title, but especially on this series. Nobody would reconize it as a Stan Lee story without being told.

ding.

I self correct. I have no idea whether it is a style Stan Lee is known for. It is likley I have never seen or read anything written by Stan Lee himself.

I did enjoy his Who Wants to be A gme show superhero series. I think to seaosns.

>> I wish I could re-watch William Sharnetrsr Indianna show.

I don’t know how I fgeel about the clothes comment. I don’t think I want to be all orange Jeff again, but I suppose in nmy bedroom I am, and it is the webcam Jeff that willl be first noticed.

My twitter rant at midnight was insane, but two back themes were that I could not prove that I expected in a universe that would be here tomorrow and thgat my friends were alive. I had it in my head that I was one of millioons of universes both in space but also in time.

It was like I flubbed a scene and the directorr yelled cut and then left.

I literally…

no.  I may not share the whole story because I truyley wnat to say it is an experience I’m done with.

At least till I’m not.

But for now, the not doing drugs life is actually better than it’s been in 20 years. Sadly, I thgink I might say that evbery other year. My rollar coaster is not consitent in time. It’s because I remember the stories. The timeline is only relivant for reference

And O … The logic loop is when you suddenly make a connection for why you can’t do the thing. You stop, and you play out the enture process up to the point that blocks you, remember you’ve done this before, and suddenly become unable to do the thing because it ended badly.

I remember one such instance. It may be hard for you to understand, but I was sitting in bed. I had only underwear on. Two pairs I think, and a third was in the hall. I looked down at one foot bare and proceeded to tocu a sock in the drawer. I froze and a song played in my head. It was a cartoon movement piece I can’t decribe but more like bugs bunny than Benny Hill.

I danced.

This was the music of the loop. The time delay in millions of years for the earth to re-evolve through time from the first seperating of nothing to something.

If the secret to the universe is to share, then the big bang was simply caused to multiply. Life is whatever word you come up with to not have to say Virus. Life replicates. That’s what it does.

Even as one who did not replicate, I was an influencer.. We all are. We replicate stories in the same way. We share.

The storyteller are important, and the single best reasn we’re the ones that made it this far.

Now for a moment, consider infinite time. SAcience has the dates wrong. Earth has been around. It is difficult to complrehdn the idea of contiental shift, and not consoder all our earth was not always surface earth. Millions or years is a long time. As we die, maybe the lobsters figure out stories and becomes the winers for 16 million years.

Imagine if earth plays out until something kills you. It always starts with one cell that splits to two and then runs 19 million years till somebody dies and they shuffle the planet and start over. In infinite time, this could happen every billion years and not be significant.

To a being outside time, as I was in this fantasy, I was at the point where I was doing takes in the universe. TYrying things this way, then waiting 16 billion years for the new universe to get to this exact point, and trty the other answers.

Instead of making a choice, I had to wait billions of years for a mulligan. Those blocks bcame the loop and I woud detect them all over. It would make me dance and sing and mention the music of the universe and not do that thgings.

Luickuly I never got trapped. I just moved on, not remembering the task lost.

Except it meant I could not put my sock on.

I needed to confiorm that my Universe was still connected, even though my roomate had been replaced with a foreign chat bot. All her reactions were without emotionj or gestiuures. She was showing concept but to me, in my panic and confused state, I tookk it to mean she wasn’t rteal.

I think I told that story before.

I upset her a number of times.

One such panic was the door opening for assistance. I was afraid of the TV and wanted to turn the TV off but my quick search was to much for me. I confused a few things and the new truth I was following was that there was no way to turn off or unplug my TV. I obcessed and made it a huge deal. I wwas ready to sue somebody tehe next day.

Later I found the remote and turned it off. This, and the need to turn on the fan, or the quest to drink water when the water seemed to be in a restricted loop that kept me from going to the bathroom.

1 Point awarded because I referenced the Bevery Shrusher shinking universe story in my fabntasy.

At the end of the universe, as my universe is shrinking, I had to choose between my friends in order. The last two were the two I hurt with these actions. I replied on them, for help on a situation they do not approve of and helped under protest.

That is the description of living with an addict, even if I could say once a year, the truth is, the past stories have bnot been forgotten. I definaly have a problem, and I understand people not wanting to beliee me if I say I’m not out of control anytmore.

If anything I am trying to be in control for the fiurst time ever, and I just needed a flush. A session of over the top thinking to influence and nudge, my future with focus.

And therapy.

I do not hate mytself. I do not hate myself. The things I wish were true are possible.

I just have to get over my terror it will be worse. Or I ‘ll be yelled at again.

ding. For a guy that fears getting caught, I am sure do things that lose respect when caught, and then blog about it.

I might even respect myself enough to proof read, but Orange Jeff can’t make that promiise for Monday Jeff

I thought so many things while experiencing an infinite time universe briefly., Many thgings too coplex to comprhend in ENglish, so they remain trapped in the language of dreams, to be worked into my stories over the next few years.

If New Years is the year’s Monday, I ask forgivness for having a bachelor party kind of Friday.

I have to be mindful about ncome. I need to figure out some extra or I won’t be able to pay my way, and upsetting my rootamte in this way could encourage her to leave, with justification.

She might even hate me enough to be mean.I’ve seen my actions change people. All my life, learning as I go. Always feeling like learning is great.

There is a hell I have experienced. The loops closing in men there is a point when you can not share. You can’t get confirmation from anyone. All the amazing discoveries about the universe and it’s loops are so exciting you want to share, but that loops. What happens is you get to a point of pure joy as you figure out the loops just before death, and then you start to realize one thought at a time but with each new thought you want to be recognized for tyhis awareness. You turn and loop.

I know I’m not describing what I mean by loop well becasue it’s not a clear memory. I have done it many times before. Essentially you look at something and remember someting about that object in the past, and then you remember many and realize that object is a time loop and you can’;t change it.

On the phocilican highht, I actually got to take my time and hang out in the loop of evolution. I re learned language from mthe first cave men learning nouns and verbs. as grunts

sylables

syntax

adjective and adverbs and how it allowed for emotion in language

I realized better ears and different bounderies and it is logical to assume birds might have developed digiotal langage and conversation.

a squak could be a whole story. Lomger than a german on word phrase.

Think how much a 1200 baud modem can send in a few beeps.

(You jave no iea)

bREAK.

eND OF PART 1.

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