I have full intention to make this a good blog.
I believe I have a good story. The most frustrating thing about being me, is believing I could have been so much more if I’d figured myself out at age 27. Once again, I am living my life in somebody else’s world. I didn’t build my universe with intention and awareness until just recently.
Already I hate it, and there – I’ve gone into that first-person style.
Bam. That is enough negativity, and my brain changes the topic. It’s so good at that, I put anything negative over the wall of tomorrow.
OK. I am quite high so the quality of writing may not happen, but I am going to try and return to the main story. My brain gets excited if there is a hint of another thing to try. There is a brief period before my second voice crushes the joy.
Hello. I have a story to tell, and I have had a phobia of being egotistical ever since I was in high school. It’s a story, but not this one, although I suppose it is part of it all.
I’m a 54 year old actor. I only have two unpaid independent roles currently, and they are myself, in; My life, and Myself (high as Fuck) in; My life on drugs. They are played as two separate roles and can be played by me, or two separate actors.
Hello. I need your help. For only 37 cents a day, I can become a dependent.
Nobody said yes please. I’m getting better already. No. No, I am not.
Sketch Comedy Communities. Community Theatre Groups that are virtual.
I create a short video profile and seek out a team of 3 to start.
ding. I lost the energy of that pitch and I should have gotten a drink a long time ago.
I suppose this answers a question I had about feeling no effect from the new source of my focus meds, and therefore perhaps doing more than I noticed.
One of the frustrations about being me… no. I forgot it again.
One of the things that frustrates me most, is that I finally have the confidence to think I might be really smart, in the way intelligence is calculated, and might have achieved great things, but I never quite figured out how.
I give up too quickly and consider it a fail.
I built my universe on my own, while high. Now I’m trying to go and patch the logic flaws and character flaws…
Switching to Video.
Part of me wants to … and that’s the problem.
Hello. I have a problem you ight be able to help me with. I thought I was being perfect. I couldn’t deny I got that wrong, all the time, but I was always trying to be perfect. I alwaus believed I was as close to perfect as I copuld be, given that I was me.
I was always on time, and my personality developed into a child that didn’t really exist, except in the character of exacly what the person in front of me needs to be. I exist in other people’s universe. Perhaps I shouold say the world, but calling it other people’s universes is significant at this stage in the draft.
I am creating my own universe, with awareness and intent. I’m hoping it’ll be a thing.
Idea: I want to create new ways for everyone to have one of the most important needs in a human’s evolution. That was hype.
I want to create new ways for anyone to have at the very least, a community they can belong to. It is a shame that the greatest community for the health of a person or town was the Church, and they ruined a good thing for profit.
START OVER. Drink and snack.
I was going to tell the truth. I am a54 year old practical virgin. Only kissed one girl. Only had horrible sex once.
Then I gave it up forever and focused on being liked.
I am an intellegent person. People like me.
I have lived inside my head, in other poeople’s lives without defining a self. I existed to make other people like me enough to let me live in their life and give me purpose.
Since I did not define a self, I don’t exist when I’m not reacting or performing.
I lay motionless till tyhe phone beeps with a new thing to react to.
At age 50, I had to live in my own universe for the first time ever. I had to learn how to be an adult with A.DD. First I had to learn how to be an adult. I had to learn how to ask.
I beleiev my story may be one telling in such a way that I could pay rent each month. I beleieve it’s possible, that with the right relationship, I might just be good at something.
Acting my life has been my life. I should see what other roles I might be able to do. It may be a world where people tell me what to do, and then tell it to me again in 3 minutes because I wasn’t really listening.
If I’m even mediocore at worst, they’ll all still tell me I’m great, any time I care to ask.
It is possible I might be a creative genius, but there is no way to know without help. I only very recently learned I’m not perfect. Being perfect worked beter alone. I hadn’t yet learned that we remember the stories better than we remember living. I didn’t retain the memories of my youth, which sounds like a lie.
ding. That almost esca;ated quickly.
I had sex once at age 33.
I have tried about a dozen or 3 times at various great expence to have good sex for the first time. The practing and going over lines is very exciting but I know I want to have sex. It’s something people look forward to. It’s a drive.
10:39pmm Tuyesday. Topmrrow at 10am I have to submit myself for evaluation. Possibly the most imprtant meeting of my life moving forward.
10:39 Tuesday and I’m high. quite high. Sleeping at all is still undecided. Sometimes I quit and call it a fail too early.
I have been up a lot. I have not slept very well.
I definaly have a drug problem.
No. I reframe.
My name is Jeff Goebel.
I have a life problem.
I have built drugs into my universe as a fopundation
Watching me might be a thing. A reality show?
It will be hard without somebody to make me react. Without a few good fans, it will never be considered again.
I can beleieve I would be cool and likeable. I then proceed to concieve how bad it could – will be. Look up Canadfian Game shows of the 80s and Ameriacn Game shows.
I was perfect until I started sharing my universe. Now I see the flaws and continue on my goal.
The Bumper Sticker Therapy:
Don’tinterruptt, annoy, embarase. Don’t be the reason for anyone’s inconvenience.
I live my life with just one goal. Don’t give anyone reason to yell at you.
I’ve done quite well, or horribly poorly. I can’t judge, but I am enjoying the idea of trying to be a thing. It does seem like a lot of work.
I might be a great treasure on many levels, but since I might not be, I don’t take the risk.
I’ve been honest before. I once considered my book should be called; My Life: 101 First Drafts (of Chapter 1)
I don’t go through with it in the end. I can’t trust the judgement of Stoned Jeff, and I know Not Stoned Jeff will ignore it tomorow.
I have to risk sharing a first draft and hope that somebody sees it, and accepts the challenge. All I need in my life, is an assistant that will do everything.
I won’t. I’m going to go see if I can sleep.
In my bed.
With the bed bugs.
Dramtic Chord. Da daaaaaaa. A new low for me. I personally infected an entire building but a lot of them like to jump all over me at night. I keep the light on, sleep at the other end of the bed in long sleeve hoodie. It’s crazy.
And you can watch me… for real. On webcams 24/7 ish.
I am a mess. I didn’t used to be.
End of Part 1.
- August 15, 2018 @ 08:57:26 [Current Revision] by Jeff Goebel
- August 14, 2018 @ 22:57:24 by Jeff Goebel