I always considered wishing almost as useless as complaing about your past. I’m certainly not saying I don’t, I’m just saying I have changed my opinion. I have evolved. Level up. 500 points.

I will not compare this to what I think other people may have aquired by age 54. Only a few of my friends have made it. I sicialize in the age group of my mind, and I always have. I don’t know why that is but my brain has always run on a faster clock and I believe my body tempo found a place in the rave culture. Fast beats per minute. The heart monitor on my phone agrees. I should probably worry about that, but it’s not what I do.

There is a saying I have been using in many public places because I love it. Its bumper sticker therapy and #shareworthy

It’ll all be ok in the end.
If it is not ok, then it is not the end.

Just now, I decided to come up with one equally suited to my situation.

If it’s going to be hell in the end,
Then ignore the hell today and only suffer once.

I do not want to live, but I’ll never be ready to die. I have heard several people, sincerly explain to me how frustrated they are that suicide is so fucking hard. I don’t think I ever came far enough along those thoughts to know that. Whenever I talked or wrote about suicide it was always planning for the future. 

How about a poster.

Suicide. Sure. Sounds like a plan.
Just not today, ok?

Essentially it’s the same statement the AA people make when they give you the “One Day at a Time” bumper sticker therapy. I wonder if Bonny Franklyn made any royalties on that.

It helped me to imagine that when things got so bad, my escape plan was to turn off the games and take off my VR suit and exit.

I actually just took that fork in my stream and made the joke, but the sentence was supposed to end in; I kill myself. 

You see, the real plan was to not plan. I survive on a diet and health reginmine that is not planned. I fear when people discover one of the hundreds of ways I ignore everything bad. They are not only shocked but their first instinc in every case is to immediatly begin discussing what they can do to help.

When you have a secret hidden since you were 5 years old, its’ not the kind of thing you share becau… I correct. I should be using the pronoun I. This is my brain.

This is my brain on drugs.

This my brain on a few very good drugs, at this moment in MY NOW.

I want to stop and sleep, but I also have a queue so long of ideas wanting to be jornalized here all yelling and waving their hands like Beyonce asked the crowd who wants to hear her sing. 

I have a loud mob of screaming thoughts in the Shark Tank. I may not fall asleep just now. I’ll be back after this mental break.

End of Part 1. 9pm. Thursday.

Minimal sleep week. bed bugs and broke summer of 18. 

Pride level low. Optomism artificially masked to be positive

My success is always on the tip of my tounge, so close.
My failures are in the tip of my nose.

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