I think of that movie… oh darn. I’ve forgotten that name of it, so it’s not a useful analogy. It’ll probably come to me, but let me start over.
It’s August 2018. For me, the summer of meh. I didn’t have a weekend dactivity partner, and at the same time, didn’t have the cash flow anyway, so I can say it;’s just as well. I’d spent all my inheritance money far more quickly than I had hoped, although in hindsite, probably as expected.
I’d seen others do the same both in real life, and on screen. People like me spend money. It’s part of the instant gratification mindset, but also the generosity mindset, so I was screwed in two ways.
This was the summer of rock bottom, and deeper. It seems that still unexplainable concept about good things happening when you’re in a good mood and bad things happening when you’re in a bad mood is tested. Bass things kept happening.
I hesitate to use that phrase with the additional words “to me”. I have seen many people in the poverty lifestyle claim things are happening to them. I’ve never agreed to that. I’m just here… while they happen.
This round, as the title hints at, the bad thing is bugs. Bed bugs to be precise, although with their arrival in my bedroom, comes an awareness of all bugs. I’ve seen more spiders and flies and fruit flies this past month, although I suspect that may not be the case. Every home has some bugs. The spiders that startle us and the flies that annoy us are a part of normal life.
Bed bugs are not. They are an annoyance I had thought had passed this region. Five years ago when I was shopping for a new home, there was an outbreak city wide, and apartment complexes had signs out front making declarations that bed bugs had been discovered. It passed and nobody had been talking opening about them for a while.
When I first spotted one on the pillow I was resting on, it was quite a mixture of emotions. probably swore. I don’t swear often, and even less often out loud when I’m alone, but the sighting of a bug right next to my face so I sleep warrented it.
Fucking bed bugs. Of course. I suppose this was almost to be expected. It is a clear sign you’re living a poverty lifestyle. They show up at the right moment, laughing at you. You have reached rock bottom. Where the bugs hang out. They’ve come to eat you’re blood like the vultures of your bedroom.
… and her bedroom… and the bedrooms of everyone near you.
If Itell anyone, then they’re mine. Much like a fart, the blame is attached to the one who first announced it.
I started this sentence with the word suddenly, as in “suddenly found myself…” but I erased it and stared again because it wasn’t really sudden at all. I’ve been on a pretty clear and constant decline that started a while ago. It’s not quite fair to say it started when I was born, because I’ve lived through lots of UPS and downs. I’ve even been rock bottom twice before, although with more support than I have this time.
Its hard to say when this decline started. The contributing factors are everywhere I look. My life is filled with waypoints on my decline. Losing my best friend and activity partner was a low point, but in some ways, I can be blamed for not treating her or our elastionship with the respect she deserved.
She found a romantioc partner and our Saturday adventures stopped abruptly.
Losing a few big client’s were a factor in my income loss, but they too can be blamed on my actions, or more accuraltly, my inactions. I treated client’s poorly, and my respences were delayed just enough to break a trust that is the key to how I can my business. I was not surprised to see them run.
I am more surprised others have not, but I see a trend. My style of business needed to update to the changes in the world of technology fasterm, and instead, I let myself become worse.
We can’t describe contributing factors without mentioning my drug use, although I’d really like it if I could. I know I’m kidding myself by saying it wasn’t;’t a major part of my decline, and for a time there I was even convinced it was helping… but of course, that is why drugs are popular. They allow one to believe they are a good thing. Even a great thing at times, but eventually almost all of those stories end up the same.
I’m not homeless yet, but I’m as close as I can get. My debt is more than two months rent. I’ve been bouncing payments on everyone.
I have no TV, No Internet and soon, no car or home insurance. My cellular phone bill is still current, but the next invoice due this week will bounce and it’s already tripple the normal amount because I’ve used 18gb of data while my home Internet has been cut.
I sleep all day waking occasionally to turn phone data on, check my emails and return to bed.
The bugs are not bothering me now, and may in fact be dead for this round, but their effect on me lingers. I am now affected by touch. When anything touches my ;leg or my arm, I jump. Every piecve of lint of dirt on the ground or my desk or my bed makes me jump. The noise of me brushing every spec of dirt off my new white bed sheets can be heard every few minutes.
Sleep doesn’t make me feel rested because I’m doing it so much, it has that weird opposite effect. I’m tired. I sleep in. Igot to bed at 7pm because there is no TVto watch or Internet to surf.
I’ve run out of drugs and lost my dealer, so that is actually one positive note. I’m not spending what little money I have to spare on that… or at least that’s what I tell myself now. I seem to be able to survive without the meth just fine. I never suffered those horrible side effects of quitting.
I’d like to get through this without drugs.
Well, I’d like to get through this. Any way I can.
I want to say Iknow I will. I have before, but the debt is bad and the consequences are high. I’ve boubnced virtually every bill at least once and that includes the ones I consider vital. The accounts of my business that are the pillars of my entire income. If they cut service, I could lose all my customers and everything. It may happen this week.
I’ve had this odd experience with PayPal showing payment made but not taking the funds. This happened today, just before my writing binge. I don’t know what happens when PayPal bounces.
I’m deep. $3000 deep at a quick estimate, but even if I were to arrange a magical buy out, it loops again next month and each month after. Something needs to change.
I don’t do change. I react after the fact. That’s not good in this case.
I am lost.
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