It’s a Sunday. Its been a bad couple of weeks and I’ve been trying something new. I’ve realized over time its what I do. I try, give up or fail, and try again. This week I’ve been staying happy artificially and as a side effect, have not slept most nights, at all.

Despite telling myself I’m a microdose self medication for my A.DD and don’t get the euphoric highs, it’s clear I’m affected enough to want to go against health to do it. In a weeks time, I am meeting with the addiction mental health division for the first time. I’m stuck at that first level where I say I’m not yet ready because I’m enjoying my misery better because I interact when high, and I don’t otherwise.

I fully understand those against addiction want me to stop, and I’ll listen because stopping is… 

What if addiction wasn’t as bad as they told us? it’s clear the government has outright lied about how bad drugs are. the propaganda against weed from a few years is hilarious now, but scary shit when you discover the intentional demonization. many people probably were very scared?

when you watch videos about acid, which could actually be the safest of all the illegals, the fabricated stories were ridiculous. people were terrified of jumping off buildings and murdering their parents.

We may be in the fear tactic stage for meth. while is undeniably not safe, but I have never seen the side effects of the horror film and commercials. my brain on drugs is not a broken egg.

these days there are internet sources more loyal to educating facts honestly, although usually written by s biased drug fan.

The truth is, I seriously look so bad, I could be in a “Not even once campaign as the before and after pics. my home is as messy as a crazy old hoarder except with a lot less stuff. I don’t hoard

id like to not do as much as often but the quality of hope I get from the interaction is joyous. it’s literally allowing me to talk to people in a non service way. 

The newest experiment is using the kik chat tool. I finally got around to it and was surprised to see a unique style free for all chat with several good Toronto rooms. its the first chat experience out of all the many I’ve played with that does. there are single verified single women and i love the confidence the drug helps to boost. 

I am who I always was the version of myself that converses without fear, and get past my social flubs without shutting down embarrassed.

Ideally, id love to have the legal short-term pill prescribed just for the focus, but giving up the only version that might help me meet… or at the least, fuck.

I won’t be able to use excuses to the councillor. He or she will have closers for all the classics.  a few weeks after I quit, I don’t miss the drug. I don’t get bad withdrawal, but ill miss talking to people, and especially women hot enough for me to dismiss in any other situation.

I will try to explain my origin story about being alone in my head for 53 years never getting personal with friends. I never dated. never danced. never kissed.

I am one of those people with a mind that is live and because I do things and say things without thinking, I tend to fail a lot. late in life, I compared myself to Gilligan. A happy, somewhat oblivious. A friendly guy everyone likes, but whatever he tries goes wrong. it’s not his fault. we react and do without rethinking the consequences. I have been Glliiganning through life saying sorry and being forgiven.

Evaluating my life from this mindset has rewritten many of my memories. I didn’t notice how much I lose, fail, and fuck up simple things because I did a thing and it reacted differently.

because my father had that spontaneous flip to angry loud dad, we were only close in small starts and thenIi would be distracted byshiny thingss and fail. it was hard not to get frustrated. 

i learned not to interact. i learned not to ask.

today it remains. i have a debilitating fear of being annoying. i don’t interrupt, disrupt, inconvenience or annoy. i have styled my life to be invisible and idle until its ok to speak, usually when they start. i live my life only reacting to external sources but alone, i turn on the screen saver of life by turning on the tv. i do nothing until something in the universe makes me react.

all of this may be typical of users and addicts. i am at least curious. if i can talk to people, i am happy and maybe I’ve learned enough to do it sober by now. I 

I started writing tonight because i haven’t in a while and i have been escaping to this version of me more. i seem able to ignore the reality of how bad it is because of how good it is, but after a hospital health scare, the idea of death comes up more. i have convinced myself i have always been healthy. i have been lucky because there is no reason i have not yet died. my diet is 90% sugar and the lastv10 is split between cards and frozen microwave veggies in a chicken pasta meal. i don’t exercise and this summer, without my regular Saturday adventure partner, i have not even gone outside for a week or more.

i am overweight,  although less so since the medicine regiment. 

the closer get to the high jeffs social abilities, the less i want to die. that life is like a carrot on a string a foot in front of my eyes, except its a lemon pound cake.

I am always trying to get better. i alt least have hope, like the lottery ticket addict. hope is worth paying for with side effects to those of us that can’t give up. the day i lose hope, i lose.

I almost have before, several times over the years but Monday resets and i try something new.

even if i don’t date or score, interaction might find me the ultimate goal.

i don’t want to be famous.
I just want a few good fans.

I’m accustomed to my universe changing. i am a master at adapting. i bond quickly an live to serve whoever i talk with. i adapt to be the best for you as I can be, and then i start making us laugh.

id love it to change again and find a match that can help me react. to do things. i have this new pride and confidence but falls just shy of sharing or asking

i might have been a good actor, or voice guy, or host or even a sketch comedy writer as was my ultimate dream. i gave up on those dreams and my first job i stayed at for 15 years and my second career was alone. support.

i do nothing unless requested

i am sad iIhave the brain with creativity and an intellect that allows me to be great, but without a partner, i don’t have the confidence to progress.

i lived my whole life making sure nobody was going to yell at me. i fear that the first share of my thoughts will prove i am not actually great at all.

ivthinknofvWillian Hung who soundē like a great singer to himself in the shower and didn’t tell anyone. his first share of his talent was on American Idol and he learned through a soul crushing reaction, he was not.

i write these blogs and the ones you can read are usually without the weed. the others i have pride and joy in writing, but if you tell me I’m not as impressive as i expected, it will no longer be fun.

unshared thoughts have no flaws.

it is the first opinion that makes it real.

if i had found a Shuster to my Wayne, or a Cher to my sonny my life would have taken a different path.

businessmen have assistants. id be a billionaire if i had somebody to actually follow up on my ideas.

5am Monday. i shoukd sleep for the next three days. my home is infested and the labour required is beyond my sober abilities. i just hope the combo of extra drugs, o sleep and bending and boxing is what kills me.

I really need to prepare better for an accidental death. seriously. id leave so many people stranded. if only i had a cute perky hard-working assistant that also let me fuck her 

that’s my favourite of the ways to die.

end of part one. 

almart is secretly wweighing you on entry and your groceries on exit. overages are instantly caught. the greeters id you on entry.

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