I had a good Monday. I had a good Tuesday. When I say good, it should be understood that I mean I have managed to keep happy and active and accomplishing things that are not important or money making, all the while ignoring everything bad.
May 1st kind of came up quicker than expected. I was/am still short on rent, so I bounced my second rent cheque in as many months. Last time I was able to repay it quickly and blame complications in banking. THis time, I not only am about $400 behind, but I also need to have cash ready for the mail server, and more importantly, domains. My business priorities are not being met.
Yesterday I even ran out of Paxil and a wave of that special depression flows over me, robbing me of hope, happiness and the optomism needed to stay focused.
Todays task was to get $400 somehow. The first days of the month are invoice days, and over the past year this is a task that has become one of the difficult ones. The tasks that don’t get done. I have not invoiced correctly since December I think. Sportatic, late and sometimes not at all.
Today I was optomistic that I would get up, snort my tiny-ish line of focus dust and work with the kind of hyper focus I’ve been experiencing. I thought perhaps I would be intersted enough to complete the ultimate goal of converting at least the May clients from my 2012 Quickbooks to a WordPress plugin that looked perfect for my needs. My plan was to enter each invoice into the system with a once a year recurring auto-send and thus creating a future where I just load the whole list and click one button to send out invoice everyt month.
I still believe this is the right choice, but the tedium of this kind of data entry, combined with the required reasearch stumbles on most accounts, made it stop.
I had snorted a bit, but the wake up was not instant. I was not energetic. I split my attention between work I needed to do, and updates to my personal blog, which is my new obcession procratination tool. I’ve given hope to the blog as being a new medium both of joy, but also of possible recogntion and praise.
I tell myself that it’s not important whether or not this is ahared and read and even enjoyed, but the truth is, it’s probably the most important thing in my life right now. I certainly do enjoy writing, and believe that when I’m fociused and not super high like I obviously am in some posts, my work has worth and value. Having somebodu tell me that would go a long way to future progress.
So far, readers have been silkent, or geeric, which would lead even a non paronoid person to suspect.
I will admit I read other people;s writing, and more often than not, I hate it. I stay silent. I get it. If you don’t have anything nice to say, and all that.
I am proud of the compilation, and the web design and the fun I have developing it while learnig new web design tools and teqniques is almost enough, but I’d still like a fan.
Almost all this started with my original bit of prose I write to my first ever therapist. All it takes to change my life, is a fan.
Ideally, one who can lend me $400 to pay my rent, but lets not start asking for things right away.
I smile as I write that, knowing it’s not acceptable to use an emoji grin in profressional writing. HA! Like that has stopped me before.
— and there it is. The self destruction. In the snetence I describe my will to be a better writer and to try to follow at least some of the “rules”, I immediatly folow up with my conversational style.
It’s 8pm on that Wednedsy now. I did quite a lot on my personal blog. I decided to try to merge it and have it be the one place where all my writing is kept, including the non drug blog I’ve been adding to very sportaticaly for a decade.
I created a VANILLA category and a new sub section of the blog for people who might prefer to read mostly those pieces written while sober.
It doesn’t work perfectly of course, because there are blogs like this which for the most part seem less druggie. If I don’t toke some weed before I start, I seem to be able to stay on point a bit more. Of course, I’ve been mentioning the focus medication only in code, but the fact is, I am living each day with that high. I can’t tell how high but I stopped denying it a few weeks back.
IN any case, today I did not go get a loan. I did not call on customers who owe more than $300 and ask for a payment on the phone. I did not go take that job at the sewing store. I did not go buy more Hersey’s kisses. I did not go to get more Paxil or make that dopctors appointment. I did not contact my denturist to discuss the now quite painful issue with my gums that has caused me to not relly be able to chew food for a few weeks.
I did not shower. I did not enjoy the warmth of a sunny day.
I snorted again, and watched TV. I blogged.
It is 8pm though, not 9, and still light. I think I wil put on jeans and venture out. Since my rent bounced, I have monehy again. Chocolate money… maybe even some shatter.
I can’t pay rent till more money arrives, and I need a lot to cover domains, so I’ll probably spend a fair chunck of what should have gone to rent.
Juggling. I hate it. It’s a constant dissapointment to people I hate dissapointing – and me.
I hate it all.
But at least I’m trying to make it an intersting story. As long as nobody reads it and coments, at least I can continue to believe I’m good.
I wish they’d comment, but I’m glad they don’t.
8:20 edit. I did not go out. I did not spend money I do not have on chocolate and weed. I did take the Wednesday garbage out, which is always a plus. It’s been forgotten a few times these past weeks.
I also got two loads of laundry done, after well over a month of stalling. In the end, I did forget it and leave it in the dryer for 3 hours but two loads done is a plus. Sadly I should have done whites so I’d have clean… well, I broke open a pack of 20 pairs of white socks last week and I don’t always change underwear when I’m not showering and leaving.. so I think I’m good for one more pair of clean underwear. Tomorow I shouldget out of the house, even if it’s to check out a scam legal loan sharks. Payday loan companies exist for me, and although I have ignored all my other debts till they went away, I have a feeling CASH MONEY people have creative ways of annoyance.
I can’t fall behind and need them every month. I just can’t.
sigh… I might.
end of part 2.
Look at that. I’m not even wearing an orange shirt. I need to do my Orange load after the whites.