We had a dinner buffet at Bob’s Country Buffet. I think. I’m not actually 100% sure what came after Bob’s country, but I sure do rememnber tha a name like that is real siomple, and availbale to anyone. The people you see here, or at least I saw today, on one of their busines days of the year, wasvery Bob’s country.

THe farmers and trailer park crowd among other lower class sterotypes.  It was in that moment I realized, the instant I hit send, I realized I was one of them. I look very much like a country Bob.

When I rote of the power of Bob and the three letter names of those people we remember above any reason, I forgot it’s also a simple name for followers to get Behind. Bob even beats God, in name only, but in recognition and influence, Bob is way cololer than God. It’s a name, a party game, a fishing memory, a hair style and the name of many people from your life.

Bob is King. I know a Bob King. Cool guy.

  Robert King, a little less fun bobby.

So it is fit that Bob also be the easiest name to remember in any class. Played right, Bob’s that become good storytellers, win. The famous and successful Bobs.

They might go by Robert when they’ve made it, but you better believe it was Bob that helped get them theere.

lets move on… It was mothers day, which this year happened upon her birthday. We still have a weird relationship that I probably … well, which I don’t outright discourage, but I ma careful not to notice.

It causes a bit of tension, if only in my head becausse I want Dave to have mostly good thoughts of me, and not be angered by previous comments. I can’t say for certain I would be able to withstand how brutal I have been to Dave, but in truth to many people I love. When my self worth is lower than my peers, I always feel — I don’t know. I sabatage. I prep for rejection. Is that true?

I don’t have an explanation yet for how and why I have spurts of just outright mean. Honstly where it wasn’t called for.

I can blame drugs only for a few recent examples, but in my life, few people have lasted beyond my five year irraitatioin zone.  The points add up and we change priorities again.

I am now alone, and realize I don’t really have a confidant I trespect, partly because I never shared my life, and partly because I admitted to trying meth, and I respect them for that choice.

Even without comparing my use to what you might have imagined, I still get ythat it is not even an opening to aconversation with children.

I could not promise to staysilent around them, because it has become a more open part of who I am. The who I am working to understand and be.

I had an adventure day, just like old times, except with a cane, but still smiling and optomistic in a way I know would take me a very long time to portray, when faced with the pain and discomfort I can only imagine an obese man experiences. We looked at pictures from our days on Olive when we werevroomates and he was reasonably fresh back rom some traumatic life loss in the United States.

We had fun, and I was driven around just like we used to, except usually I drove. She was there smiling the whole time, open and free to talk and enjoy the day. That was not always the case, but today it was. She had the front seat and so she never felt abandonned or ignored like she seems to, when she’s in the bacvk and Dave and I conversse.

I like it better too, because in a few ways, I relate more to her than I do to Dave… 

I definatly don’t discourage flirtauos trades of messages now and then, as I would with any friend, knowing her interpretation —

I stop. I imagine, and project.

Lets move on.

We had originally gone to Tuckers, which has become a bit of a usual routine for the birthdays between us three. The core Tuckers group that has celebrated birthdays together most years forever. One free mea and the birthday person pays for everyone else. Surprise. It was fun when I had income and I always said, far less than throiwng a good party might cost. Without alcohol, meals are pretty easy to comp.

Plus I always had a full year’s loyalty card points and I would average 3 times a month or more.

I was the Swarm Mayor for years. It stung a bit when I got the announcement I had lost the  mayorship, just today on our way there.  Alas, it was $30 a person and a longer than 30 minute wait, because while standing therem,, I heard hergive the same time estimate to everyone.

We got back in the car and left, but not until after I checked in, and took pictures. I was there, so it stull counts.

Off to Bframpton, the city next door and Bob’s

Similar wait; about 30 minututes, but only $19.95. We came close to getting her meal free on your birthday but they qualify it was valid only in parties of 4 or more. 3 had to pay full, but even with drinks included, paying the $60 plus drinks at Tuckers.

I liked the variety, and she liked the extended interaction time.

I had to show my cards to Dave and admit my teeth were unusually sore and talked of the possibillity of cancer, which was handled well, Dave style. Wisodom I won’t alwatys agree with, but I value because like myself, a different perspective is vital to my self growth.

I remember the day I realized Dave wasn’t always the happy man he portrayed. I occasionallyget to see it now, though he’s careful not to lose his temper near me… either by chance or choice.

A friend commited to not yelling at me is a friend worth keeping… and yet, my drug use was a respectful barier. I learned not to be high near him.

I spent the $20 I had in my pocket on a gadget I didn’t need, and quite possibly will hate, but it elevated myh mood a bit to splurge while ignoring the bills that will bounce.

Rent bounced this month and last and although I promised the landlord it’s not an ongoing issue, I already softened the blow for June in case I need a few days. Sometimes my miracles get lost in customs.

I couldn’t eat the meat OI love. IIt took 15minutes to eat a mcnugget sized chunk of steak. I can’t remember if I finally finsihed the bite of roast beef I was tumbling around for what seemed like a full course.

If he was paying attention, I ate almost nothing. If he wasn’t, I went ahead and made referebce to it verbally, like an idiot. A few btes of met, a half sausage, a ladel of Mac and Cheese, corn, potato wedges and applie pie.

And a pizza slice three hours before. 

I’d grown accustomed to not eating much. Another red flag that gets ignored till tomorrow.

Suddenly, and I mean that it happened just now, as I am writing – Inoticed the window had light in it. Wow. It’s 6am already… and I did nothing.

wow.

I did have the worst orgasim I’ve ever had in there somewhere.

Maybe I can pull off a better performance now, and then crash for a few — for a while, and then snort my way into Monday.

End of part 1., with mental debate on that last line… potentially ending on sour face memory.

That’s behind me already.

My NOW is not your NOW.

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