It’s the 420 Loop. My first all nighter since whenever. I re=upped as they say. Late in the day Wednesday so I slept a normal night without a taste, which is rare foe me. It’s not often I get new drugs and don’t feel the need to do them as soon as I can, often in the parking lot of whataver plaza I met my guy in. i’d run out Saturday and slept all day Monday, waking up only twice to check and reply to email. Tuesday I slept much of the day and Wednesday I stayed up, but wasn’t really productive.

Thursday I woke up, sniffed and started working, remaining productive the whole day. I finally got to my invoice run and managed to send almost all of them by email saving me 50 bucks in postage, hich is now over a dollar per stamp. Peoplewere actualloy mocking me for still miling invoices but it was another example of the hard way being easier tan learning the wasy way… until I tried and learned the easy way was easy and I should have done it 3 years ago.

Next task is to switch to my new WordPress based auto invoicing which should do everything on the first of each month without me. That’s just a task I’ve deemed tediuos and therefore I have avoided iy every month since January when I fuirst made the desision to change.

I wasn’t 100% certain if this wouldbe an alnighetr, as recently I’ve mastered sleeping n the same day I snort, and even successfully been able to crash befpre 2:30am when I’ve bumped as late as 6pm… but today was a fresh batch, slightly differet and I did several lines throughout my day. Pretty much when I stood up to do whatever, I’d scrape out another lines before sitting back down.

Around 11pm I decided to write off the sleep attempts and snort into the night.

I playedon Whisper Chat for a while, and then the regular loop ofTumblr, Flickr, and then the browsing of the escorts, even though I have no cash. I also check to see if anybody has sent me a message on M4 and Fetlife, but nobody ever has.

In between, I chose a few moments to masterbate, but it didn’t go as well as it used to. I have been enjoying nights and days without the effects of weed or my indica Dabs, but it certaily seems to be the missing ingredient that gets the wanking into theranking. I came once on my second attempt, but barely andhad to give up on my thiord just nwo, before this writing.

I am soaked. The bed is soaked. The pillow and case are soaked. My hair is as wet as if I’d showered, bt my dick… it’s damaged. ouch.

I tried and tried at slow speed and superv fast dubstep. Now I have friction burn and a strange build up near the tip that scared me the first time it happened.

I don’t really know how others masterbate, but I learned late in life without porn or any real urges, and so — like manhy things, i do it my own way. Different.

Rather than using a lubricant or water or spit, I do a dry rub under the fabric of an orange T shirt. Its a good method for me for a few reasons, including hiding it from the live webcams I currently live with. Since I don’t have sex to use as a template or fantasy, my strokes have become the pleasure on its own. I masterbate more for the feeling than for the imaginary sex.

I’ve always had to work a little for my hard on. I’ve never been able to bring one about by mere thought like I belive most men can. I have no stories from my teen years of embarrasing boners because I had no sexual attraction back then. I’ve always had to touch it.  A pull start engine you might say. 

Weed has almost always ben used to quicken the mood and enhance the joy. Weed and various other drugs although ecstasy tends to keep it limp for the first 4 hours or so. The focus powder I’m currently self medicating adds a new element, and combined with the new genre of porn I’ve doiscovered, it has been quite a wild party, often splurting a load 4 or 5 times in a 12 hour period. Cerainly nothing like the cow milking quantity those porn stars splurge all over the faces of oddly entheustic partners.

Cumming on your face is one of those sex things I have a hard time beliving isn’t faked. To be totally honest, since I’ve had so little personal experience, I’m still under the impression most of what women do for men is faked. I’m not certain hwo enjoyable a blow job is from her perspective, but the cum all over your face, or in your mouth. I’ll need some convincing it’s really part of her enjoyment. I can ynderstand the general joy that comes from giving pleasure. I’m all about that myself, but everything I do to earn a  smile from my partner first has to qualify as something I don’t mind doing.

I admit, I’m a bit goo-shy in general. I won’t eat Ribs or Wings because if the goo. I don’t like any goo on me.

Even my own goo is usually excreeted into the folds of the shirt, where clean up is a simple wipe and toss. Then I can roll over and rest, or return to blogging as may be the case.

No more tonight. I’m sore from a 20 minute high beats per minute EDM tunes while viewing equally fast cut shots of 30 different porn scenes. It’s sexual, but not sex. Lots of pumping and suckking and bouncing to a fantastic beat. I have a few favourites saved on my Porn Hub user profile and I’ll browse new ones now and then.  The keyword is PMV. Porn Music Video, and IU usually gor for the 20 minute or longer ones as they build up almost like the 3 song styles from my days as a strip club patron, except right from track 1, its fast and furious.

Perfext after I’ve mad another white line vanish.

I imagine what it would be like if the presence of a real woman were to be here in place of the video. I’d love to think I could bump and grind inside her like the ones I watch. I pretend I would be cool. It will be great, but I know… or at least expect, it would really play out much like all previous trials, and end flat.

My brain can ruin anything f the pause between words is long enough. Its the lul between lols that brings me down, and keeps it down.

ONE DAY I WILL PREVAIL

I just ponder whether it will be so much better than the feelings I’ve mastered on my own. 

I’m kind of afraid it might be so fucking above expectations it will give me a whole new addiction, and depress me further because wanting and gettig are still very far apart from me.

I enjoy my masterbation. I embrace my NOW

and mt again in a while just as much.

end of part 1. 5:26am although oddly this bedside tablet Windows 10 says 2:32.

 

Post Revisions:

This post has not been revised since publication.