I was on a streak this morning. I was going to say roll, but I never understood how that made sence, except for cheap jokes about other bread products.

I was thinking of something a friend said about another friend, and his particular mental illness. She explained his tell. The style and frequency of his posts made it clear to her, his ups and downs, but interestingly it was exactly opposite of the guess I would have made. He was active and posting some of my favourite one liner status messages, or really smart comentary. Apparently, those were the times of his deeper depression. He was seeking praise and attention in his non commital way. 

This is familiar, but my mind instantly shuffles my own memories. Do I do that? There is no denying that I love praise and attention, especially if I can earn the smile with original content. 

I am a paradox. I’m going to go to the point of saying, I am an obvious talent, with the curse given to me by my father, I am terrified that any interuption in another person, is poking the bear.

I am a performer, with a proven track record, with the need to be asked, before I speak. My life is to answer.

If only …

pause.

What the fu…n? I won’t say I hate it, but I am getting frustrated that I can’t tell any storues except my lame pitty waaaa me story over and over.

yes, I said it.

I am confused here. Am I talking to myself with nothing distinguishing between us? That seems wrong.

Jeff shakes his head, and returns to writing in the first person… then realizing he’s never talked about himself in the third person before, that he can remember.

He opens his mouth as if to speak, but stops. Secons later, he repeats this, and then looks confused again.

“I can’t talk about feelings in the third person narative, because they are things only I could know.” he says, with a building excitement in his expression as the words exit his mouth.

Jeff was known for speaking at the speed of words, and then hearing them only as the sound returns through his ears.

“I really would hate to cheat the third person narative, by just putting all my regular thoughts into dialogue. This could as well be a script, since that’s the direction – or at least one, I’ve been using to ignore impending doom. As intregeing as the idea is, I think — I’m doing it now, arn’t I? Cheaying?”

EVen though there was nonone there to answer, it was clear he was, and so he stopped and looked as though he continued thinking in silence.

This went on for a considerable time, but as a reader you are not subject to —

buzz.

A monty Python GIF animation appears at this point in the blog, depicting (PP) GRaham Caplin as a military officer, sayong: STOP THIS.. TOO SILLY or something very similar.

Late in life I was dissapointed a few times when I learned my memorization of every monty python sketch on the Royal Drury Lane album and the previous record.

Darn.

As a total aside, but in keeping with the way my brain works, just this evening while writing this blkog, I happened to make more attention to somethig I;ve been doing wrong.

(It’s sentences like that I question. I fear I may be — I’ll stop there.

Oh. I see I am back in my usualy style, where this could have been written or spoken and the style would be the same, except of course when you read it – it is your timing and inflections as you translte the words into the way you choose.

— I noticed I start sentences in one gramatical format I do not know the name of, and by the end of what is usually a longer than average word count, I want to end. That is poorly explained.

I need an example, but can’t stop to look without risking frustration. Frustration can shut the bllog down. Odd I started this one wanting to write about how angry-adjacent it akes me that I can’t stay on topic and write the headlines.

I always write the other pieces.

I pause, becaue although I lost my point several times in one sentence, I did like some of those lines, and I may adopt the headlines idea for more discussion.

Essentially, the Title is almost always related to what I want to blog about, and in many cases, it is content for a fantastic blog. However, in the instnt between entering the title, and the first letter I type of content, I am on to something else, and from there I almost never return to tell the intended.

So much about life and tyoing my thoughts in this way leads me to go wild. The idea of writing in sequencial order at the speed of now is a fine idea, and I suspect in some ways very educational, at the very least, to me.

EVen if these blogs are never read, I am evilving through them, and it is possible that each long rambling could yield a line, a concet, or better… It is a worhy …

ha. I stop.

worthy is my word. I have based a lot around that with my hashtag gems; #prideworthy, #shareworthy being the main two but so many others I’ve used in pattern.  To be worthy is a pride point. The cool thing about worth, it’s a made up concept that you get to decide. I internally make a mental sidenote when I say something I’m proud of. I call it a pride point and is expressed by a smile. They are especially powerful if I see smiles in the faces of other at the same thought. It is essentially, what I live for. It drives me. I have learned to emotionally feel a good smile. It changes me.

#smileworthy is a word that itself, generates a smile. It isn’t the highest honour, but to me, its the most valuable.

I really think the way I flow off topic is a wonder to watch, but I’m on a roll. 

No? Too silly. In my universe, Wonder bread is the leading brand. It doesnt have the Kleenex award yet, but I would guess it would be the first pick on Family Feuld if they surveyed 100 people to name a brand of bread. Of course that would be going to far on Family Feud… hoiwever it does allow me to generate a really cool memory image of the day Family Feud sells out and every question is about the top brands of this or that.

We surved 100 employees at the Greehouse Mall on 23rd, to name the top brand of cola

Top 4 answers on the board.

When I see that, I think to myself… 100 people… I want to meet the person that didn’t choose coke or pepsi. Then I think…. hat woulkd have been me. Yeah… I would have said President’s Choice.

I would not have said President;s Choice.  Yuck. I do have an amazing respect for the President’s Choice brand and concept. 

Posture break. I’m still doing this in the wrong place. The pain starts as the weed fades.

so this is end of part 1, but it’s 1:pm on a Sunday so I’m not sure whether it’s a blog night or not.

end 

 

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