I’ve never really been a binge TV watcher. Its the new way to watch TV for many people, but I have trouble with a movie uninterupted these days. Sometimes I even take 3 days to complete a 22 minute sitcom. Last night I watched 16 minutes of Snoop Dogg’s new game show and then watched the ending this morning.

Snoop is an interesting celebrity. I have this sneaking suspicion he has this holywood mafia-type Frank Sinatra friendly thug. I never confirmed my suspisions by asking anyone. I just enjoyed the idea that charismatic bad guy in the limelight, not unlike Fat Tony on the Simpsons. Organized crime always fascinated me. Not so much the Italian Sterotype versions. I never even watched any of the Godfather movies.

Instead, when I’m in the rightmood, I binge watched web design. Iworked pretty much through the night for a loyal customer who was very nice to methrough some tough times. Ihave always enjoyed learning… I just hated the process sometimes. If left alone, I won’t Usually work that long on any task. I often can’t finish a sentence. To be fair, I tend to type – or speak in fairly long sentences. Last  night, the mood was right.

I’m still in ignore mode waiting for the universse to provide, so a web site redesign without much stress was a perect procrastination distraction. Sadly I did not really finish his list of requests, which is small and nothing too challenging. Instead I fiddled with 200 reviions of the new DIVI themed site.

I like it but then again, everything is perfect before the first share.

Then I shared this morning with the client, knowing he’d ask about all the things he wanted. That’s OK. I think I will find another streak before Monday.

 I am thinking I might be able to re-ask fopr some money on this, but I’m not sure. Once you quote free, it’s harder to ask. That is just me, using whatever reason I can to NOT have to ask.

— Here I am, at the end of my finances yet again. I think the third time in my life. 

This month, I was worried, and in a place of denial. A place of joy. 

Doom pending. 

I’ve done my best to stay feeling middle class. I’ve never lived the poverty lifestyle. Some of my friends have, and still do. I don’t pay much attention to prices if I have a preferences. I like the brands I like. I guess it comes do3n to, I don’t change on my own. I will almost never makea change if there is a way to continue. I have bought the exact same pair of jeans for 30 years. I have worn the exact same running shoes for 30 years.

I switched from T Shirts to colared polo shirts once I left the world of retail sales shirt and tie uniform. Since leaving my job at 30, I have never found a need to buy a second pair of shoes, or even dark sock. A few years back, I switched to the Walmart George Brand of striped polo shirts in various colours and stripe sttyles, although all horizontal stripes. Dad shirts I suppose. They have become a part of my known persona, but thetruth is it was just easy to buy 10 new shirst every Spring at Walmart for $12 or less each. Since I buy my groceries there too, it was just easy. No desiosns to male.

Now I have 50 of those shirts and IO can go over amonth without doing laundry, which is handy because I leave laundry undone all the time. My floor is covered with dirty shirts. I seldom wear a shirt twice.

Execept of course, the Orange Shirts. Toronto has a very big Chinatown district very near an area I often visit. I have been able to but 10 or 20 T shirst for a few bucks. I forget. It was like 5 for $10 for a while, so over the years I accumulated a few dozen. That’s when I started wearing them to bed, and thus began the Orange Shirt blogs.

It has taken me many years to discover how this has been with me my whole life. I developed the skillsto just exist in other people’s lives, coasting on a reasonable income, invisible and alone… untill needed. Nobody noticed because that’s how I played it. When I’m interacting with you, I am always thinking what to do to be better for you. I adapt and attempt to do whatever will make you happy, and reward me with a smile. What you don’t know, is that I turn off like an appliance when not on task. I sleep, or watch TV. The exact same shows every week, in order without ever missing one,. I was a lot more obcessive over my TV habit before the meds helped me notice it. I was schduling and recording over 50 hours a week of TV. No daytime TV at all though. That was a promise I made myself when I first decided to quit my day job.

Yes. I quit. Eventually I quit most things, but for the things I love, I have been known to kling. The difference to me between interaction of school or a job or social activities where I am alive and feeding off the smiles and happy energy and then weirdly non quiet silence of my home.  ding. That is one of those sentences.  I ding my mental bell and would edit it.

There is a huge difference between my interactive life and my shut down, screen saver home mode.

And that’s why drugs helped. They allowed me to think in a different way when I was alone. I started describing it as a solution. I have a hard time making the choice to do something, unless an external source or thought reminds me, and in that moment, I start. Instead, I discovered sometimes you can just make the universe change without making a choice, and whatever happens will force me to react.

Il;ove reacting. I live to react. Reacting means LIVE JEFF makes the desisions, not me. Put another away, there are two ways a desision can be made. IEither you have time to think about it, or you don’t. If I can think about the desision, then that’s me. I can obcess, and my mind will happily do what it does. I’ll create instant popup imagination scenarious of possible outcomes, always giving some priority to how tthis option of that will look to others. In my quest to be perfect, and my prime directive to not annoy, inconveniece or irritate – I usually say no. If the request comes with a smile, or it is turned into a respnsability or a way to make somebody happy, I may say yes. Usually I will just worry. I never really used that word much and considered myself the guy who doesn’t worry. I can lecture you about why it’s a wasted emotion.

In truth, I worry constgantly, only I have been calling it, the nagative scenarios. When faced with a choice, or form in my stream of conciosness, I pl;ay out the good stories and then the bad stories. It’s only through these writings I have been learning. I can do the good stories. My alone time isgtting longer in between interactive times so I get rusty. I even cancelled my monthly fajita party. Once I missed one, it was no longer a streak to maintain, and so I never had another one. 6 months now. Almost nobodty asked about it.

Maybe they did. I think some did. I’m sure.

The blog is my newest attempt. The first shares came and went. It’s just not how people do things anymore. Blogs are like messages in a bottle thrown to sea. We write them, but not to be read.

buzzer; cop out.

ping pong debate in my head. They suck. They’re great. They’re horrible without corrections, they’re great and people will understahd, no. I wouldn’t. 

I’m not usually with the normal crowd anyway.

Pride and shame hug it out. Nobody wins when I compare myself to normal… and yet, it is my goal.

A flash memory of a few Star Trek TNG episodes appear in my memory, specifically revolving around the Android known as Data. They pronounced it DAY-ta, not daaaa-ta. He and I were more alike than Spok and I. We were all striving toi be more human — more normal I suppose. 

I ping pong between wether I have more pride in my consitency in not thinking or acting like the crowd. Sometimes it’spart of my genius, and sometimes its part o my isolation. I think if I am honest, my genius is a part of my isolation too, and has yet to be confirmed. I’m still not 100% certain I’m not just crazy.

The other way to make a desision is without warning.  All the important directions are handled by what I started referring to as NOW Jeff or LIVE Jeff. The unknown version of me that exists on the edge of time. In my anologies, I have often called it surfing NOW. It’s a different mindset that handles the steering in my stream aned is constantly choosing A or B at super fast speeds without my infuelnce. the choices I don’t get to scenario. I have learned to have confidence in LIVE Jeff. Soetimes i’ll evaluate his choices but —

Am I sounding crazy?  I am, right? 

3:20pm Saturday. Still up. 

i wanted to blog about the universe providing again in the final hours before my server would have shut down for no payment.

Two cheques arrived today that won’t quite cover rent or phone, but haave stayed my financial execution two weeks. I don’t know how I feel about that. I was rock bottom, having a grand old time finishing a web site instead of worry.  The flood of doom was up to my neck, and even at 54, I still can’t go under water without holding my nose and closing my eyes.  I was near the end.

You might be confused by thee metaphores. I think that might actually be one of the things that makes people seem crazy. I m telling my story in revsre order and making refereces to things not heard. When you see a homeless person or a mentally ill patient rambling and calling out random words non dquiter, it’s not madness. It’s just out of context for you. Sometimes it might be out of context for me too.

Then you can call me crazy.

Bottom line. Christians would be thanking Jesus and God and saying that prayer worked. I’m doing essentialy the same thing expet the names have been changed to protect my inocence. I can not rule out a universe with self awareness or conciousness. I understand why people have faith and need to believe. I just wish they didn’t really have such crazy stories told at absolute.

The world could use a religion of acceptance right now. Sadly, BIG CHURCH will label you a cult and shun the non believers.

The wrong.

OoOo. I like that. The Church of the Wrong.

Yes. We admit our origin story is wrong, but come for the sermons and butter tarts. We play Eucre Wednesdays. I thought their church did too, but I misread the sign out front.

NOW – The real question is, will the next loop be change, or will I contuinue doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?

I have been given an extension… like so many before. I can tell you I’ll write that book report tonight, but in two weeks when you ask where it is, I might ttell you the story of the shoe repair shop and the 17 year olod ticket. It’s a good fable, although I am glad I finally realized it wasn’t agoodone to tell customers. It’s not really a good story for the shop owner.

I am going to lay in place now, as my third consecutive 420 comes and passes. 

End of Sunday 4pm Orange Shirt Blog.

Entered in Windows on myb old $199 Asus Tablet with keyboard.Better than Android for blogging but not in portrait.

Post Revisions: