It’s 2:14 on a Wednesday. Afternoon. I just kinda woke up a short while ago, which I’m trying not to make the new standard but as my daily usage of the illegal awake drug continues, all sorts of changes are happeneing in my life. I complained about living alone, and then lost my main friend too. My life can be looked at with positive eyes or negative ones and of late, I’m more on thge down side, only blogging after I’ve gotten high enough to be happy again for a short while.
When I woke up today, several times since 6am, I went back to sleep each time because I was tired. I notice this is an obvious effect of the drug that keeps me awake. So when I woke up at 1:30 I realized I was either going to call this a sleep day and write it off, or give in to the nose and snort myself into productivity again for another half day. It’s a new routine I’ve tried to pull off as normal and justified. I even try to write my blog in such a way that you might feel …
I don’t want to be the villian in my life story. want the reader -the fans to like me and be sympatheic to my struggles. I recently realized I have been alone, even when with friends or in a crowd. When my story is viewed, will people like me, or just read “meth addict” and assume this isn’t a story they want to read.
I’m in a continuing battle with my brain over the dealings wth a client that disturbs me. I try not to let interactions disrupt my mood, but often it’s hard.
March 1st. The third month in the new year and I still have seen no real progression. March is the 2nd month I’ve cleared rent on my own without deposits from any reserve. It is a cruicial one because I have to earn my money this month to pay April’s rent. It’s a new stress added into my mix, and even if I can pull it off this month, it will be there every single month. The first time an unexpected expence pops up, I’ll be in real trouble. That wil quite possibly keep my stomch in a state of grumbling for quite some time, especially given my tendancies to spend whatever profits may appear above and beyond. In other words, even if I do have a good month, I am more likly to buy drugs than pay down my debt.
I was pridtcing March 1st as my new deadline to start the daily priority blogs/show. It was to be a new date to use as the official Monday. The premier by which I started to care, and share my words.
I’m now pretty sure it won’t be, and I’ve nearly convinced myself that it doesn’t matter and the joy of a priovate blog is almopst as goopd a feeling, but far safer. I’m starting to believe I am one of millions of people who write privately and may never be recognized. The terrified. It is safer to write my thoughts here, and keep them hidden that share and discover I’m not really good at all. Unshared work is exactly what I dream it to be. A madterpiece, great, amazing — perfect. If I share, I may find out it was all a waste and nobody would ever read any of it.
My newest goal was to start on March 1st new. Fresh. A brand new blog that I would start writing as Day 1 and ignore the written past. I would come out blogging and try to gain some followingwith my unfolding story.
Whoa. That seems like big deal now, and so I run away. I hate it when my dreams come true. Success has an obligation… privacy does not. We’ve established I’m fine with letting myself down ,and do so with almost a …
Even the idea that some sentences just don’t need endings. hehehe. For a brioef moment this past week I let myself get excited again. YAY! I’ll be sharing and people will smile and tell me they like it. Joy. Points. I was enjoying the idea of my writings being public. I was enjoying the idea that my story would be seen.
Then I scenrio tyhe bad stories and run away in fear.
The terrible words my brain can’t shut up abaout. The second thoughts that put down the first ones like a schol, yard bully.
Oh well… time moves forward and I can only preduct the stories based on my experiences, but I hve at least learned that my predictions are just that. Stories. They are almost never the truth that unfolds with time. I’m not good at preicting the future… I’m excellent at priduciting a future that worries me into not doing the things.
When one assumed failure, iyt’s easy to say no.
I wish I could figure out how to make myself assume success more, especially given that the NOW Jeff is pretty good at sucess.
I had a dream in one of my naps just today about me being rejected for not being … I can’t think of how to describe it. They wanted me to be neater. Cleaner. More presetable. I kept saying this is who I am. This is me. Jeans and a striped polo shirt and white runners. It’s all I have. It’s all I own. It is me, and if you reject the style, you reject me.
So of course, I didn’t get the job.
End of part 1. March 1st is a Thursday, not the Monday I was hoping for.
- May 2, 2018 @ 16:30:44 [Current Revision] by Jeff Goebel
- May 2, 2018 @ 16:30:44 by Jeff Goebel