Pausenblog. A German word I invented that refers to the way I often pause my video to blog about a thought, not always inspired by what I’m watching. Tonight is one of those rate occasions where I pause a porn. A new fresh porn that I love.

Katie Banks. This will be the fourth of hers I watch part of, free on pornhub. As with most things in my life, I tend to pick a pony and … I tend to choose my canoe and ride the river out. I have a weird relationship with change.

*I fear change only when given enough time in advance to scenario my head full of negative possibilities. I might say I fear change, and run from it.

However, change is what I thrive on, unannounced.

I fear the change.

I obcess the bad scenarios with a full budget imagination.

I say no.

Confession time.

My avatar in second life owns more variety than I do.

In keeping with my inner fear of sharing and finding out I’m not perfect after all.

I am invisible Jeff when not answering your needs. I live to not agitate, irritate, interior or annoy. I do my best to not be the reason for your inconvenience… And I go overboard.

I live in fear of being yelled at.

I live in fear of letting you down, but if anybody gets loud, I run away or cry.

To this day. I cried myself out of a firing and a very bad business deal that would actually have been a different life, but so much better…

Ha. I just now realized that was a girl I chose the wrong stream.

This is not a regret. As a regular human my own biz…

Yadda yadda yadda. I do not regret that choice, and was so happy I got to cry and back out, but I will say it was neat to briefly imagine up the good scenarios if what it would have been like to work for a Bob.

Metaphorically, I consider a Bob a type of person. Just like the internet price tag for a three letter web address domain can go for over my imagination, so too is the importance of the Bob.

The Bob’s I know are all story tellers. They are people we tend to remember, and at least for my generation, Bob’s tended to be well known in the community. They have a three letter name. Not Robert.

The Bobs you know are probably acting, or selling. Bob’s network.

If they’re not a Bob by nature or practice, then they’re a Robert or Rob.

The deal was with a real Bob. I’ve know a few good people who were salesmen. I remember a Don, a Tim, and a few others. I could call them all Bob Happily.

Blog re Don Shall.

In reality he was a Bob. A darn good one with every contact concievable in the pharmaceutical market. I could have lived sweet for perhaps ever.

Wow. I said no.

And then, from two years forward, started seeking pretty much exactly that.

To be managed.

By Bob’s equally smart wife.

Fuck. That is a nice imagination while high on very very strong dark Knight shatter. Indica.

I’ll try not to be sad.

If I could ask, it’d be to be taken in by one of my customers or strangers and to be given troubleshooting challenges, and do phone and email and ticket support.

I’m good at it.

Wait a second… I should be able to get a ticket support job for hosting easily.

Maybe even at greengeeks except I don’t speak French.

Ding pride point. Score joy. Idea freshness.



Learning. I feel the joy moment.

Sorry… Went off a bit there.

Moments, saved as one memory.

A great deal of the individual universe of our brains.

Let me re word that.

Each of us, is our own center of our finite universe. This may be a new usage of universe, but to me, I am the center of my universe. It contains everything I have ever seen, heard or been told, since the day we were born.

Each moment in time, we save to memory as stories. A great many stories are saved, but without reference, they may never be recalled. Likeboxes of paper files for police cases from 85 years ago somewhere in a warehouse. Untouched for a lifetime and they die with me, or so is the common story at this time.

Your youngest memories are more likely the stories you’ve heard told over and over. You might even remember constantly having to correct your mother or father as they’d tell it wrong.

Eventually, the stories replace reality in your universe. You change Damon.

We are the authors of our memories.

To each of us, we get to choose how we store the stories that make up our universe.

We get to save our reality to our universe.

If you believe it, then it is your reality.

If it turns out not to be, you no longer believe.

If you believe it

It is so.

Origin stories sold as truth from childhood are believable to some because that’s the story.

The only reason not to believe the first story is the truth, if if somebody else has a better story, and you get to eat bacon and beef chhesburgers.

I asked a born again Christian believer a question, as I enjoy. I am respectful of all religions because I understand the luxury of an existence that doesn’t change. A mind that defies opposition to just say, that’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.

Society made religion harder when the world opened up and we discovered the absurdity of there actually being people who had their own gods.

The policy of convert it kill was the norm for centuries. Every so often, although I’d love to learn it was about 2100 years for other reasons.

Somebody wars to make their story the best.

Joiners agree it is the origin story we agree on. The Bible(s) and commandments have been written as the code if conduct, and official analogy takes to use in everyday life as analogies.

My generation had TV, so Star trek and friends and Seinfeld became our shared stories about how to deal with situations in life.

Star trek was and is, my Bible

Again, I use Bible as if the original translation was actually Anthology holy meant community.

The community stories to share, and memorize. At the well the next day you might talk about it to your friends and get?low sheep farmers.

Then some Bob decided that you didn’t need to win actual wars if you had believers in every country. A religion can have more power than a country.

There is nothing stronger than a true belief, especially with the safety of you looking like an idiot if you decide now to stop believing. It’s easier to block out and believe.

The truth is, it might be the true one. I don’t know anything. I know the stories were probably quite different from our versions, and written as an infectious virus of belief and commitment. At some point, church became costly. Guilt was introduced into the stories and culture to make the church a for profit Enterprise, giving a great percentage back to the community. Just as lotteries help pay for many fine things in Ontario, but somebody’s also taking home a house.

.,I a! Terrified of the cough I need.

I went a bit off track there.

I was going to tell the story of how religion allowed a second opinion. How did two churches not convert it kill¿ They used words.

Like competing scout troops in a suburb, any community dies better with choice, and groups don’t do well with more than one boss type.

Too many cooks clip.

I don’t have a name for the boss type.

Every group or gathering I have ever been a part of has at least one !ember who is unhappy because they would do it differently.

They either win, or give up trying but many start their own.

Come to our church. We changed two words and we get to have pleasure sex.

It probably allows rape and inscest and all sorts of other things we don’t quote in church or at the well.

(I hope people get the well is the water cooler, the common reference as to chatting pre internet.  The Bible had no Facebook I’m sure.

I break in my writing to attempt some movement, and wiggle my way to get a vanilla yogurt toll fruit chew. It’s my least favorite but now I look at it reframed because I didn’t want to dislike it and not eat it. I adapted and now like the variety of a less sharp fruity taste. It is still not equal but I enjoy its flavour.

I changed my story and it became my reality.

I’m almost out, and the few remaining are out if convenient reach.

Confession. Oh. I just remember I avoided the.



Jeff tip

I used to eat dry stlye chocolate chip cookies to slow a cough. Potato chips do not work as well.

….. Much later, or not. 12 minutes into porn I couldn’t quite get hard.

I failed at sobriety. I’ve got the back issue as my penance. I don’t know that did so maybe I should use punishment.

I like negative renfircement.

When I first discovered the joy of being happy, I … Something.

It cleared the cash with joy.

That was separate from the joy of being high. Higher.

Drunk. Drunker calls my last. I was an alcoholic for a year. I found it wasn’t for me. It started the first year I was alone. I got a roommate and I got him high.

I miss that guy. He divorced those stories. I know that story. I divorced my first boyfriend. Another !ilestone fork. Over a teenage last bloomer in my circles… I didn’t understand I could be number two.

I chose zero contact and he lived the exact dream I’ve had. Where I was Robin to his Batman. He was a J. That Trump’s Bob. Just was dominant and even more blunt than I was. Often in reflection I wonder if that trait is more learned.

At age 16, j pulled a red ribbon out if empty hands and we became fast friends. Heneeded an audience as much as I. Our humour clicked although I dare say I was often cracking the bully jokes. Jay was ruthless with opinions expressed meanly as facts.

Just succeeded in all the things we did together that made him a great friend.

Who wasn’t always nice to me.

Later in life I realized I did the same thing. I hurt my friends over their personal ?one and they run.

I do too but my line is respect based. I in if either of us loses it once.

Different than truth.

I’m tired but I can’t move to sleep.

My nose debated whether creative wording is the same as a lie, it chose not to grow.

I look and realize that statement has zero chance of making sense to anyone that hasn’t included in their shared community stories.



I fear society crumbles when were not sharing the same community stories anymore. I guess we evolve again like we did each time our ways if storytelling changed.

The Rock and chalk  to the pencil to the qwuill to the fountain to the ball point to the marker.

From wordpro by Steve punter on a 4k pet to WordPress on my phone, our ways to tell a story have always changed.

Evolution is in the stories too. Language. I’m old enough to hate it when people use anyway as a plural. I’m sad when people I respect see no value in taking the time to use the right your.

It’s everywhere and only now in this moment do I realize, oh wait. Maybe hats me. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Lord knows ding

Readers can attest, I’m all in favour of rewriting the public stories ever decade. We don’t need our kids to like our RoboCop and three bones lady on Mars as much as theirs.

We don’t need our kids to like episodes 4 5 and 6 best. I’m sad kids are jar jar shaming. He was a fantastic character if you were still 14.

Same with the female Ghostbusters. That was a kick-ass hilarious !ovie if you were seeing it without your father’s commentary and opinion delivered as fact.

Today I watched he South Park where newly nice Cartman bad mouths Ghostbusters as an internet troll and lied to his (spoliers} girlfriend about it.

Opinions presented as facts for you to accept.

The trolling episode is serious stuff. South Park should be taught in schools like sgajspearvwas.

They’re excellent Bible stories 22 minutes a book

Every single one is available online streaming from all over. I highly recommend immensely the Scientology one and the Mormon ones . Educational beyond anything else for an audience watching cartoons.

I also had the privilege of spending money to see The Book of zmormon on Toronto’s theatre version of Broadway.

Fantastic story of what religion is. Shared stories to use as a guide to life, and usable analogies, quotes and assorted wisdom.

I tire. The lights are off. My high had listed. No day is telling me I’m still to high like the actress who I’m old and would probably say to my partner watching The Guest Book Together….

Is that the same girl from that Earl Show¿ Or is that he new one that looks just like her.

Memory trigger story.

I used to hang around on the outer Fringe of the in crowd at strip clubs.

I wasn’t aware at the time, but my partner might have been delivering the coke. Funny. I just thought if that now. He divorced me too one day. He died recently and I didn’t go to his funeral,much to the surprise of the other 3 in our circle for the years I lived alone.

I had forgotten that time. I have no idea how long it was but I have a distinct memory of mixing all the drinks to try and find one I didn’t hate.

So I did the mellow shots


I quit drinking shortly after.

Why was I talking about my strip club days¿

Oh yeah. There were a few strippers with distinct things about them that I just happened to notice matched a porn star and it never once occured to me that was the point and totally intentional. Stage table dancers looked like porn stars.

It also might actually have been her as the porn I was first exposed to as an adult was Canadian porn. No bush or intercourse shown and some form of a plot.

They played in the cool new TV station breaking g all the rules under the pre hipster cool guy named Moses zniamir. So far from Bob you remembered it for the opposite reason.

People like me loved to love that channel, placed way up at 79. Every time I’d tune to it, mom would tell stop spinning the dial so fast.

It was however, fun. The first fidget spinner, flipping between Buffalo!is 29 independent to 79 was a nousemakwr too. What joy.

I remember being pride in anything I could. Georgetown had one of the largest area codes in the world and the largest free calling local zone in somewhere. Pride point.

Bell provided Georgetown with many pride points because somebody was spreading the good stories. No idea when I added this story to my universes memory library, but I believe Georgetown also bought it’s entire exchange second hand as another reason upgrade. We had party lines with special powers longer than most. The earliest of chatlinrs are those who had either tinkered or shared he secret stories of how to talk to strangers in your town anonymously at night on idle phone lines.

My friend Dave tells those stories better. He was one of those guys with a different passion and mindset than I.

I’m glad I still get to call Dave a friend. I did that mean opinion presented as fact thoughts about him for no good reason except intoxication and me. Me being mean like I have the right. Just used to justify it as beneficial. She doesn’t have Tobe fat.

That one struck a cord and my decline of worship started to weigh. Like that moment when you start to learn your dad isn’t perfect.

Dave survived the divorce period. He continues to amaze me because he is so opposite to my u inverse I have triubkeconcieving his universe.

I am glad he continues to stay connected, though less close. He has the luxury of a long time girlfriend that enjoys their life together.

I respect Dave in most ways but I can’t shake the occasional embarrassment I feel by association. It is hard to stick up for him sometimes because his oddityes referred to as eccentric when your rich, and crazy when you’re not.

I probably used him in bully humour to get a laugh. Punchline Jeff doesn’t think of feelings when live and reading the crowd.

I miss Dave. My two years living with him are fantastical years of firsties that last.

I miss having that, with anyone. I adapt.

My change quote.

I fear change with thoughts of the negative stories.

Change happens.

I am excited because everything is new. It’s like a Monday. I adapt. I get comfortable.

I embrace my now

Because, why not.its a choice.


People with mental illness including depression may be offended by such implications. I fully understand that many memories are tramatuc and effects can last seemingly fly forever.

I gained the skill of Cha going my mind, and it has its pros and cons.

I learned to be happy because I could. It may not be easy it possible for you, but if you start intentionally reframing things with the kind of story you might tell 5 years into the future.

Soildes that lose a limb might tell a very grumpy story the first year, but it will soften for most as it gets retold. Each telling released a little bit if the memory. At some point you remember telling the story of the trauma. 10 years forward, the successful… Bad word. In ten years, the ones that embrace the now might be playing wheelchair sports in the Paralympics and tell an inspiring story.

The secret is, if you include the joy of pride, you might be able to tell the story that way almost right away.

If you can learn to save live trauma with a good story, it can be a win.

Please don’t interpreted this as yet another loophole asshole men are pulling to retain an edge. I’m not saying rape is a win if you make it a good story, but I am saying it might help to think of it in story form right away and maintain some control over the original memory. Your fault has no tajebacksues for strong memories. I can’t hope to imagine,but I know how crimes against trust are pretty hurtful. Crimes against trust and control and forced anything is a memory both men and women don’t get.

One of the best things about mental health and being crazy is, those without it can not concievable any part of it in any real sense. A person without a d d for example can never really done close to understanding how real and involentary the effects are. Even if you have some other condition, illness disorder it addiction, you get it. You understand why that woman can’t get on a plane or that guy faints guest speaking or whatever.

Crazy understand crazy but a lot of people don’t believe it’s real.

End of part 1…no, 2. 307am. I have not moved.

Try #1 sleep attempt.

EDIT NEXT DAY: Katie Banks is a hot woman in porn with amazing breasts and a personality I like.

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