I don’t like to lie. With the exception of drug lies, I’ve never been very good at it. Whenever I’ve lied in the past, I’ve usually come clean within a few minutes or days. Lies stay in my head and rattle around guilt obsessions.
I used to say I never lie about anything, except drugs. That’s not entirely true. Everyone lies now and then, to save emotions or even slight exaggerations to better tell a story or make a point… however on the whole, I think I’m a pretty honest and trustworthy person. I like to give people the respect of the truth.
For this reason, it’s become especially hard to lie to my friends, who have come together in support of my drug addictions, and been so nice and polite, and even expressed pride in my stories. It feels like it’s easier to lie, and keep them happy than tell the truth and admit to having broke sobriety some time ago.
It was never my intention to remain sober. It was my intention to quit, and stay away from the bad drug; the one that caused all this messy issue. When people hear you have a meth amphetamine problem, they conjure up certain imagery of drug use, and that creates a very visual lasting memory. A bad drug addict impression. That was never me.
I’ve been a recreational drug user since 1990, when I was 27. I’ve had a few periods when I caught myself over using, but not many. I’ve always been a good functional occasional user, and that experimentation and usage has been fun, educational, mind expanding, and all the good adjectives people use to describe responsible recreational drug usage.
I admit that recent times were an issue, and I fully accept that it was helpful to have my friends and family show concern for me, and support me during a time when it was the best idea to stop getting high.
People seemed surprised when I did so “cold turkey” with minimal withdrawal and relative ease. I think everyone expected it to be a really hard problem. I didn’t. I agreed it was time. It was the right choice. I tried quitting only the bad drug, and I was still getting high to replace that feeling more than I should. It was, for perhaps the first time in my usage history, effecting my non-high life, and work. I can not deny it was bad, and quitting was the right choice.
I did not lie. I went six or seven weeks without using any drugs. I did have a few craving moments, and I was happy that a friend had taken everything from my home, or I probably… no, I’m man enough to admit I definitely would have used again if there were drugs in the house. I don’t give into cravings easily. I was quitting with a good reason, and so I refrained from going out and getting drugs again. I was happy to give myself a break, as I’d done many many times before. I’ve taken breaks before, often going 3 or 4 months or even a year in between drug usgae binges whenever my occasional usage switches to regular or frequent.
I’d given up some most drugs, completely after a trial, like cocaine which I hadn’t used for 6 or years or more . I never really liked cocaine anyway, so living without it was easy. I probably won’t do it again for years, if ever. It’s a drug I only do if the person I’m with wants it. I am aware many people love coke, and I do have access to it, so sometimes it’s a social tool I use to make other people happy.
With regards to the meth I started using on my birthday last year, and progressed into more frequent abuse in June and July, I know it’s a bad one, and bad for me, and I’ve made the decision to stay away from it. I have the confidence in all sincerity to say I won’t do it again. I don’t really need to. I only tried it to begin with because I hadn’t tried it, and was curious to see it’s effects on my A.D.D brain. As it turns out, it effected me differently than the documented norm, and I liked it… but I’m adult enough to see how destructive it is, and so when it got bad and difficult to control, I decided to give it up. I had one false start, but once I was out of my supply, it’s very easy to consider it gone and be done. I have no desire to use it again.
I understand there is no way for my readers, and support system of watchers to distinguish this truth from a lie, or a relapse… but it’s a confidence in my head and for me, that is the important part. As much as I don’t like telling lies to my friends and family – or anybody really, I also don’t like lying to myself. I don’t want to do meth again, and that made quitting easy. I’ve never had an addiction personality.
They say it is pretty hard to quit an addiction if you really don’t want to. People who love smoking have a nearly impossible time quitting until they come to the decision they really need to, and they have to want to quit more than they want to smoke. I don’t want to do meth again.
I do however, want the freedom to get high on other drugs, and not feel obligated to lie to people, and say I’m still sober. I’m done with hiding.
It’s killing me to do otherwise.
Tonight, I lied to my bets friend twice, and with weak lies that are quite obviously suspicious. Karma interfered creating deeper lies, and in a Universe of signs, it was a big one. Even the Universe is angry when I lie.
I have no way of knowing whether the lies were believed, or whether I offended them by telling such stories. If they have trust in me, they may believe… but somehow that makes it worse in my head and stomach, because breaking trust is a huge deal in my life philosophy. I believe crimes against trust are the worst crimes of all, and should have the highest punishments.
… except when I do them it seems. I plead guilty to my universe, but I wasn’t trying to scam somebody out of their fortune like a con man. I just wanted to smoke a joint.
Drug use is illegal, but I never feel like a criminal. Telling lies about it to people who still hold pride in my strong recovery seems the worse crime.
I have broken my sobriety. Twice. Two Sundays I have gotten high on acid, with some weed.
I may do so again tomorrow.
I could blog and justify it here, and I actually did in a previous post I didn’t share publically, but the truth is – it’s my business. I have no shame in my drug use. I have no regrets. My sadness comes from the hiding, not the use. I wish I wasn’t making other people sad. I want to be honest and open. This blog was to be my safe place.
I love acid. I believe it to be one of the greatest inventions of society. I sincerely wish more people had the nerve to try it in proper conditions. The world would literally change. I know mine did in 1990… and over 300 times since.
I’m an adult. I resent others for telling me I need to quit, in much the same way my mother was upset when we asked her to quit smoking I suspect, although that wasn’t an illegal addiction. Still, people don’t like being told they can’t do something they enjoy… Anything.
I don’t want to hide my return to this. I want you to trust I’ll be my own monitor. I’m good at it. I know when I get out of hand, and I did. I don’t mind you watching, or even commenting on my usage if you feel the need, but I want to trust and respect to allow me to make my own decisions and not force me into hiding and lying.
Am I wrong?
I do not believe I am. I’m 52, soon to be 53, and like the benefits of an intoxicated state now and then. I really don’t want to take up drinking just because it’s legal. I believe acid is a better choice, at least for me. I use weed minimally as an evening ender now and then.
I’m a responsible recreational drug enjoyer. Let me return to that. Forgive me and let me honest here in this blog. I promise I’ll let you know if I go bad again. I don’t want to lie. I hate it. It makes me sicker than any drug.
I don’t want to hide.
The following is the blog entry I wrote the day I broke sobriety, but never published. I suppose I did have shame, but I still contend I never intended to stay free of all drugs forever. I’m sorry to those I disappointed, but I’m happier being an honest drug user than a fibbing drug user, and I’m happier using drugs responsibly than being sober. The following is the unedited high post.
The First Monday
I had to write. I could not let this day pass without getting some of the emotions the blog… but the problem is, I’ve gone and shared this blog to the people who are protecting me from the evil drug addiction desease. Its a rock and hard place…
- May 2, 2018 @ 15:55:43 [Current Revision] by Jeff Goebel
- May 2, 2018 @ 15:55:43 by Jeff Goebel