It’s 11:22 on a bad day. A Friday.

So bad,  I can’t seem to be able to write about it. My brain would rather you not make this into a story,  and just let me forget the bad stuff.

I lied today,  and confessed to being worse than I think I am,  and blamed addiction withdrawal as a reason to cancel on today.

Now,  as I write it,  that is undeniably more fucked up than I thought.

It’s clear I am an addict with this bizarre mouse cat game where I still have a tiny dose of the bad stuff…  And so I have not yet quit.

It was my intention for Wednesday to be the end,  then Thursday,  then Friday and…  Well I know it’d be better to quit now,  than tomorrow.

The salesman part of my brain is whimpering all the great. I must not listen.

Like any god we’ve seen or read about,  I got bored with my power.  I’d do so much..  But now everything around me is a repeat.

Popup: but you need courage to try new things…  Sober.

I would like to believe I may want it again one day,

No.   Bad Jeff.

Don’t say what’s in your head out loud.

Although,  that’s kind of my thing.

1131pm

Tried to keep a smile on my face despite the blunder,  but I believe sharing my story will have been a good thing.  I just should not have stood my friends up and tested or sabotaged a good relationship.

I fear the kind of intervention coming from my loving friends,  like the circle in how I met your mother.

I end my night sad,  having spent 6 hours thinking about going out and using these powers in public, and then not.   Over and over. I even look up the back pages ads for party girls or overnights

I think,  I could budget 1500 for an overnight with a pretty face and good molly.

I do none of this of course,  and it feels like I got closer this time than every other 300 times over the past 10 years

Possibly more.

I go to bad a bit sad that I don’t even try.

Catch 22. I need to be high to want to go out,  and her I’m high I don’t interact with beauty well.

A smile weakens me,  and I become an idiot. I over-think everything.

I miss having a smile to see in my life.

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