It’s 11:22 on a bad day. A Friday.
So bad, I can’t seem to be able to write about it. My brain would rather you not make this into a story, and just let me forget the bad stuff.
I lied today, and confessed to being worse than I think I am, and blamed addiction withdrawal as a reason to cancel on today.
Now, as I write it, that is undeniably more fucked up than I thought.
It’s clear I am an addict with this bizarre mouse cat game where I still have a tiny dose of the bad stuff… And so I have not yet quit.
It was my intention for Wednesday to be the end, then Thursday, then Friday and… Well I know it’d be better to quit now, than tomorrow.
The salesman part of my brain is whimpering all the great. I must not listen.
Like any god we’ve seen or read about, I got bored with my power. I’d do so much.. But now everything around me is a repeat.
Popup: but you need courage to try new things… Sober.
I would like to believe I may want it again one day,
No. Bad Jeff.
Don’t say what’s in your head out loud.
Although, that’s kind of my thing.
Tried to keep a smile on my face despite the blunder, but I believe sharing my story will have been a good thing. I just should not have stood my friends up and tested or sabotaged a good relationship.
I fear the kind of intervention coming from my loving friends, like the circle in how I met your mother.
I end my night sad, having spent 6 hours thinking about going out and using these powers in public, and then not. Over and over. I even look up the back pages ads for party girls or overnights
I think, I could budget 1500 for an overnight with a pretty face and good molly.
I do none of this of course, and it feels like I got closer this time than every other 300 times over the past 10 years
I go to bad a bit sad that I don’t even try.
Catch 22. I need to be high to want to go out, and her I’m high I don’t interact with beauty well.
A smile weakens me, and I become an idiot. I over-think everything.
I miss having a smile to see in my life.
- May 2, 2018 @ 15:55:44 [Current Revision] by Jeff Goebel
- May 2, 2018 @ 15:55:44 by Jeff Goebel