This blog post was written previously, and not posted because I wrote it high, and didn’t complete it… and then everything changed and I kind of forgot.
I feel today was a day that deserves to be told, even if I don’t want to.
This blog should not happen. It is me, doing something with focus, that I don’t want to tell.
I don’t want my story to be told… Yet. I am not #prideworthy today. I failed amazingly on the very first day of misery. I knew to expect misery, and I had convinced myself I knew I could just live through discomfort, as I have before.
But it’s all different now that I am alone, with no conversationalist every night, like was my normality.
Alone, I am not doing well…
— but I like my not high life, and as much as I love my friends, I really really want to king to that, and maintain that life… So sharing a real addiction is a weird position to be in.
I want to tackle my future at my pace, but at the same time – I know that is bad. I definitely need help… I just want to do it all without everyone knowing.
Is that wrong?
I know in the “program” there are rules, and telling everyone is one of the commandments. It’s eminently one of the key steps.
I’m not sure that is the only way. I’m smart. I have a reputation of not being a stoned madman with an addiction. It would destroy everything my brain has created for me.
I don’t need to be high, if there is somebody to think about in every idle moment. It changes fundamentally who I am as a human being when I am in the presence of anyone else.
Which is a problem, because I never graduated from the pleasure I get from every single interaction, to highlighting any that may be sexual driven. I never learned that craving or urge.
When somebody starts, I am confident in myself in tat moment… Just not enough to ever initiate anything beyond polite, or in a support fashion.
I argue with my therapist, perhaps till I die, but my entire existence is happiest when I am making somebody else happy.
On every level I can conceive, I am powered and driven by a smile.
I figured out a way to earn an income by making as many bpeople smile as I could, with the least amount of effort beyond a smile… And I was gosh darn tooting good at being a retail best friend.
I will always have pride points in my origin story of the salespeople who were a part of our life story in so many ways, we’re really just guys trying to make a sale.
The origins of me learning the power of stories. Those guys never talked business until he asked you to sign.
Zeppelin ALERT: Fuck. My sister called. That isn’t usual enough to instill a bit if fear. I hope it doesn’t require any response I can’t Bluff.
The Jeff technique of ignoring it and see if it goes way…
I have no idea how much time has passed. I did a lot in the past hour since I started this blog… Or not. I never remember my stories in a time line.
I loved the idea of non linear editing. # Amiga rules!
Anyway… 8:30 and I gave up on caring if this blog was ok. I needed to tell my story.
Oh yeah.. So document batch.
Did Crystal Meth for one week straight after a few months increasing regularity.
Quit once, but had stuff.. So it took a while to actually run dry. I went into Survivor rations mode.
The solid stop date with a hidden reserve offcialy ended a few days ago. I’m not sure anyone… But today was sick day.
So as it happened, new acid arrived from a new source… And light there was never any doubt, dropped several hits.
Not sure how effective it would be because of… You now, so much meth in my body over the last 10 days.
But it did. It gave me a nice acid high, although I was still sick as a dog, and massively dehydrated.
During this, I came to freaking it was getting bad, and like the day I decided to give up alcohol, The stoned me fessed up to my closest friends, who in my he’d, I assumed their eating.
Oh look, a zeppelin.
Achievement acquired. A story I didn’t want to tell.
Things that go without saying, should be said more often, lest they be forgotten.
Bumper stickers work.
They always have.
Twitter is the new truck stop wisdom.
- June 14, 2019 @ 16:55:44 [Current Revision] by Jeff Goebel
- May 2, 2018 @ 15:53:54 by Jeff Goebel