There is a moment, when you’ve been laying in bed for a while, resting in the exact same position you do to fall asleep every other night, but on party days, fake sleep is all you’re going to get. I can lay there for 5 more hours and fake sleep, occasionally getting up because my brain is often afraid that the good ideas that come to me have an urgent need to be written down, or forgotten.
I used to worry about it obsessively. I still do, but now I don’t get sick if I forget. I discovered that part of the good feeling comes from the idea’s shining pride before the negative thoughts convince me it’s not a great idea anyway. They keep coming, all the time, or at least on various drugs they do.
So at some point, I realise that the drugs in my system are going to keep me awake, despite being exhausted from minimal sleep Sunday and Monday too. I thought maybe I could do it. Sometimes if I time it right, I can indulge early enough Wednesday morning to be fresh and get a full days optimistic everything’s perfect productive work done. That did happen twice out of four Wednesdays. The trick is not be get so high Tuesday I think…
I followed along like a textbook user. Once a month, twice a month, one a weekend, to constant.
So.. at 9:26 I wake up, turn on the light and decide what to do for the next few hours. Maybe I’l try again at 11pm, and if I’ll real lucky, transition from fake sleep to waking up in the morning refreshed and not groggy or craving. It reminds me of when I discovered I could do acid on a Wednesday if I dropped right after work, be asleep by 3am and be fine the next day for work. Acid always gave me fantastic next days.
Tonight was a final. I want to commit to not doing that wide awake drug again. I won’t claim forever, because I do see an actual use for the drug once or twice a year… or every 10 years… I’m just saying I have to curb the drug problem and get back to a more regular life without getting “super high” every week.
Is that a lame ass promise to myself. I won’t say I’m quitting, because that opens the door for a future fail. I will say I am quitting today, and if I make it through the next week’s withdrawal effects, I plan to stay without it at all, as long as I can. That may in fact be forever, and the longer a streak I can stay clean, the more my obsessive mind turns it into a game, and a streak not to break. I did cold turkey quit one day with alcohol and never touched it again.
I have not done that with any drug, because when you’ve tried them all – then sometimes it’s nice to switch it up once every while. I don’t really like cocaine but I’ll do some if it’s in front of me, or around or somebody else wants some.
I just finished one such binge tonight too. The last three weekends were quite full with super bonus highs that are now all gone. The house is clean and the table surfaces have been wiped clean. That’s why I can’t fall asleep yet. I used everything up so I won’t be tempted to snort another line when the effects hit me hard over the next three days.
I may potentially let people down this weekend. The stoned Jeff has the fun… but the not stoned Jeff is the one that has to talk to the people I disappoint or let down with cancellations, or by not answering the phone. I don’t even reply to texts for days in these post party slumps.
That is partially the other reason I can’t fall asleep. When my mind is racing, but tries to rest, I can re-visit all my thoughts with the guilty self hating voice.
The odd thing, is that it has helped in subtle ways, and if I can get off it, those assists with come in handy.
— or that is my brain trying to reframe the story. I have not followed through on any of my plans, merely got happy that I had a new plan. I did start dating, in the practice universe first, and then on real women, but only with a n sex disclaimer and plenty of good drugs.
Visual memory. I just heard Katy Perry in my head singing; You’re hot and you’re cold” It seemed a good jingle for my brain these days. I’m up and down, in and out. I’m all over the place, both in thinking and in writing.
I might be a bit worried. My increase in writing content this last few months has been because of Tina. The fact that I finally decided to share it with a few select strangers and friends in hope that it main gather some praise without fanfare… but if it gets shared and famous… I am prepared to allow that secret to leak out.
I learned that trick to cope. Sometimes when I can not get myself to do something I know I probably should, I change the universe instead, and maybe it’ll happen on it’s own.
I’m still in the stage of my drug problem where I think I can handle it on my own. I presume everyone says that at some point along their path to bottom, and I certainly admit to thinking I wouldn’t have a problem too, and that turned out exactly like everyone warned.
I’d tried every other drug imaginable, and left them behind with relative ease, and expected the same.
But I didn’t expect a recreational drug would actually make me feel fixed, and proud. I hope that doesn’t go away with the effects.
For all the shame I feel for addiction, I have stories of pride I’d rather tell about all of the amazing things I’ve said YES to because of drugs in the last 10 months since my 52 birthday.
I may not travel the world, but I’m flying around in my own universe, and even if I go a little crazy, I’m having a lot of fun writing about it. I am optimistic that I will progress and put some attention into writing more. Less scattered and high.
10pm. Brief online chat with a friend… shall I try sleep again. All my other go-to options seem like uninteresting repeats. The things I’ve done when I’m high with idle time before. Every time before. When you get bored on drugs, it’s time to leave that drug behind.
Next week: Acid again.
It’s like Monopoly at McDonalds. It comes around and seems familiar every few cycles.
Wait for the blog posts when that becomes a problem.
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