I’m in a special almost legal mood that allows me to write and send this before my morning brain can stop it.

I won’t say I’m desperate, but rather lost. I’ve lived most of my life in a supporting role socially, romantically and in business. I’ve never been good at asking. I’m fantastic at answering. My greatest joy is making other people happy, and my reward is a smile, or a laugh. Luckily I’m pretty good at that. In fact, I recently came to the late life realization that I’m not a loser. I’m actually pretty special and a great companion to those I choose to partner with.

The problem is, I never learned how to ask. To graduate from the flirt or the smile to the opening line. Worse, once we’re talking I am the charming confident version of me… but with zero skill on how to turn talking into the ask.

I’ve lived much of my life coasting in other people’s lives. I always lived with somebody and became a part of their lives. Some were straight men who were friends, and some were women who were friends… but always with somebody.

I didn’t quite realize how vital that symbiotic relationship was to me, until I was alone.

A co-dependant single guy with no flirting game, but a great personality. If she talks first, I can win almost anybody over. I have that trusted salesman vibe… as apposed to the untrusted salesman vibe.

So after an emotional fail at a time when I still hated myself, I chose to not bother. I made sex a non issue. I didn’t date, but built up a respectable social life, interacting regularly with a nice circle of friends, many in their 30s and 40s. We have game nights, and go to Star Trek and Star Wars premiers together. Some of them even wear Stormtrooper outfits.

To say I’m shy is understating it. I simply chose to not seek another live in partner and lover, but to build good bonds with many friends on a regular, but less stressful basis.

Up to date… I am dating. If I can get a second date, then she accepts my quirks and awkwardness as charm. I’ve been told it’s interesting how I can be so irritating at times, but in a forgivable way.

I tell new dates. I have two deal breakers and not much else.

How you react towards me when I make a mistake
How you react to frustrations and anger.

I have tried to rid anger from my world philosophy. I can’t be around yelling. I only recently got used to going outside when fireworks are going on. I flinch at loud.

But if you don’t yell, and you’re smart enough to be right most of the time, without the need to be right all of the time, I can pretty much adapt and love anything else.

I am terrified of change, but I adapt and accept and fall in love with the changes quickly.

In summary. I would love to date you, cool smart and anger managed stranger. I am open and honest and I “go with the flow”. I’m almost a hippy. I’ll treat you right, always consider you in decisions, and give you priority in my life. I could conceivably never leave, as long as we remain active and do things together.

I want to be good at sex. I really do. If I have to live without it forever, I’ll OK with that too.

One last thing. I was high when I wrote this, if you couldn’t guess, and I’ll probably delete it when I wake up, but it was fun to just ramble. To showcase my personality and weakness. Without help, I won’t date again.. and that would suck.

I’ve made a lot of changes since I turned 50. This is the year. I just don’t work alone.

In a team… or a romance … or a partnership, I am complete.

Did I sound crazy? I sounded crazy didn’t I?

FUCK.

[Image is artist conception. Object may appear fatter in person]

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